dot dot dot

I was a little late to church today. Just a couple minutes. Not a big deal. I walked in and found a seat in the back.  I sat by myself, which I don't mind.  Within a couple minutes the guy sitting across the aisle from me walked over and asked if I would like to come sit by him and his friend. Sure. What have I got to lose. It was all a little awkward because the meeting was already going when this happened, but oh well. His first line was his name and calling (ward missionary). The last time I met someone who introduced himself this way it was not a very good experience. But, I was hoping for the best.

We finished Sacrament meeting and I said thank you for asking me to sit there. He responded with something about how he would go with me to Sunday School but he had another class to go to. And that was the end of our interaction. And no one else talked to me. To be fair, I didn't talk to anyone else, so I have no one to blame but myself. I haven't cried since last Sunday, and was feeling a bit on the edge of a break down today, so I just tried to stay to myself so I wouldn't lose it.

I appreciate that he went out of his way to sit with me, but I feel like he only did it to check of a box for his calling. Who knows, maybe we will end up being friends at some point. I will take all the friends I can at this point!

My parents get home on Wednesday. I'm really excited about this, even though we live in different states. But at least I will be able to talk to them again.

I went to my cousin's house for dinner tonight. It was so nice to have a real conversation with someone in person. It has been a while since I have had that. Thanks Lani and Reid! 

My great new work friends are probably not going to be friends that I spend a lot of time with. Our interests are very different. Different in ways that will probably prevent us from finding things we can do together very frequently. But it has been really nice to get to know some people.

This last week has been a lot better than the week before it.  There are still a lot of bumps in my road, but I am dealing with them with less emotion.

Why on earth is 24 Hour Fitness not open 24 hours here?! That is totally lame.

Stream of consiousness

I got into town Thursday. This has been a really rough few days.  I can think of 2 other times in my life that have been this hard emotionally. The loneliness that comes with moving like this is very consuming. I have a few friends here in town, but most of the day I am essentially alone. I am sure that it will help me become a much better person, but right now it just sucks. Big time.

I can't even express how much it means to hear people's voices that I know, or to get texts from people I know and love. It is what gets me through.

I cry about every hour or so.  Mostly out of loneliness and being overwhelmed. More lonely than overwhelmed. These are the times that I think about how I could go missing and no one would realize for days.

My apartment is disgusting and in the ghetto. Major ghetto. It smells so strongly inside of smoke. Today at church I realized the nasty smoke smell was me, not someone around me. Gross. So hopefully that will calm down some as I live here longer. Stale, old second hand smoke is gross.

I start work tomorrow. I am excited to be busy. I am sure I will meet a bunch of new people which should help me not feel so lonely all the time. 

The checker guy at Albertson's last night talked to me for a while, and it felt so good to feel like I have a friend here. Even though I don't even know him.  I find myself talking to anyone who will talk to me. And probably talking their ear off.

I don't want anyone to feel bad for me, I signed up for this. Ultimately this is what I want. It is just tough in the mean time. I am sure that it will get better as the days go by. I am really trying to enjoy this change.

Goodbye SLC, Hello PHX

I am moving. I haven't really broadcasted it too widely, but now that it is really happening, I guess I will talk about it.
I have been unsettled for a year or two. I wasn't sure if I wanted to go back to school or try a different job or what, so I have just stayed where I am and looked into options. Then I decided that becoming a CRNA sounded like a good idea (you know, good hours, good pay). Upon looking into it further, I quickly decided I better actually get a move on, and find a job in an ICU. Utah had really no options, there are just too many nurses here. My friend Ange moved to Phoenix a while back and she seemed to like it there, so I figured I may as well apply. I really didn't think I had any chance getting the job, but to my surprise, they hired me. And they are moving me. And the pay is better. AND IT DOESN'T SNOW.
Things have fallen into place very smoothly, which makes me think that this really is a good thing for me right now. I move down there on July 7. And my stuff will get there sometime on or before the 11th. I was hoping to get everything moved before the 7th, but too bad for me. So I guess I will be camping on my bedroom floor at my apartment for a few nights. Awesome.
I will be working in the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit at Phoenix Children's Hospital. I'm really excited for this new challenge, and really nervous too. Hopefully I do okay.
For now I will rent out my house. If I love it down there I will probably sell my house after a while. If I hate it, I will move back to Utah after a while. I'm hoping I love it.

Did I mention that it doesn't snow. I don't care how hot it gets in the summer, as long as the winter doesn't make me want to die, I will be just fine.

Surgery

Yesterday I had eye muscle surgery. I was cross-eyed, so they went in an fixed it. I came out with an eye-patch on. Arrrgh, Matey!


I tried the percocet and it made me super nauseous, so just tylenol for me.

Today I went in to have the doctor adjust the sutures in my eye. This was about as comfortable as it sounds. He clamped my eye open with a metal clamp thing and then worked away on the sutures. It wasn't too bad because he numbed everything. But I felt like crap after the numbing wore off. He gave me Tylenol 3 to see if that would help with the pain. I took some earlier, and it seems to be helping.

My eye is crazy blood red. And it feels better to sit in a dark room and keep my eyes closed. I've been listening to movies. Ha! And sleeping a lot. And hoping that the next time I wake up I will feel better. Here's hoping!


The doctor said that everything looks awesome. He said that it is the best he could hope for. Lets just hope it sticks! A decent number of people have to get it redone.

No really, this happened.

Edited to add [commentary] so that you can follow this.

The following is a transcript of a text message conversation I had today. To protect the innocent I won't use real names. J, M and T are all male. I had deleted some of my sent mail prior to typing this so the beginning is a little bit summary. J and I are good friends. M is also in the ward, we are friends, but not that good of friends. T. is also in the ward and we are friends.

M: If u r bored we can do something on the parking lot john says we can borrow his van [M is asking me to come enjoy him in van outside, its one of those work vans without any windows, pretty sketchy.]

Andrea to J: I'm going to kill you. [J is typically the one telling people to text me crazy stuff]

M: I'll protect him [J and M were outside together]

Andrea to M: I'll kill you too.

M: I haven't done anything to u why?

M: I am waiting!!! I bet the only thing more comfortable than this van is u bb [M is still coming on to me...]

I then asked J if he was texting me from M's phone because I was very uncomfortable.

J: I just told him to text you. What did he say?!

I forwarded the texts from M to J.

J: That is so nice!! Take him up on his offer!

T: Why is M in a white van holding up a sign on the window with your name on it?

several hours later...

M: Hey andrea do u want to drink from the waters of M [without being around J he is still saying crazy stuff, this is bad]

Forwarded M's text to J.

J: WHAT!!!

Andrea to J: You have created a monster!

Andrea to M: You are crazy!

J: Quench your thirst!

Andrea to J: I will never be that thirsty. [this is all referring to "the waters of M"]

J: Just try a sip...

Andrea to J: One sip of poison is still enough to kill you.

J: True. I almost died at my first Poison concert.

Andrea to J: Finally you are starting to understand

J: No. If I could go back I would do it again. His waters are pure...

M: R u dehydrated

Andrea to J: Are you talking to M right now?

J: I never have outside of church... What is he doing?

Forwarded M's text to J.

J: I will now call him The Hydrator!

Andrea to J: I am not thirsty for his kind of hydration

This is not fabricated or embellished. This really is my life. And my parents wonder why I am still single.

Its finally over!

I went to the Cardiologist today. Something I have been doing every 1-2 years since I was 12. After 14 years he has finally signed off on me. No more going back to the cardiologist unless new problems arise. Woohoo! I am heart-healthy!

Grateful

Today I am especially grateful for organ donation. I have had a couple kids that I have taken care of at the hospital got much needed organs this week. What a miracle. And what a heartache at the same time. Whether live or deceased donation, it is so bittersweet. It is amazing that it works at all. I am thankful for lives that have been saved, and sorry for lives that have been lost. Thinking about it makes me cry, tears of joy and sorrow.

I really can't say more for privacy reasons, but organ donation is so wonderful!

today

It is 5:06 pm and I am still in my pajamas.

I don't see a problem with this situation.

Oh and I made cookie dough earlier just so I could consume some of the dough.

It has been a good day.

Grandpa's Funeral, in pictures

I took some pictures at the viewing and funeral. I thought I would share. I still cry a lot. But he is free from his worn out body.

The last picture I have of grandpa, Aug 30, 2009. At this point he was already moved to the hospital bed in his home, instead of the recliner that he used for years.

Us 4 kids. All of us smiled, which is a feat.

The original 6 in the KC Johnson family. Most of us smiled.

3 members of the Military were there to do a salute at the cemetery.

Much like the guards for the Queen of England, they were very stoic.

The 8 pallbearers that were in town. James, Greg, Chris, Trevor, Ben, Shaun, Kyle, Brett. Eric wasn't able to come.

The casket and flag.

They held the flag above the casket while taps was played.

Not a dry eye as she played Taps. Quite sobering. Thank you for your service for our country.

They folded the flag.

And presented it to my dad, the eldest of the Johnson kids.

Marching away. I wasn't able to get a picture of them saluting my dad after they gave him the flag. I was in the wrong place.

My dad and the flag.

Before being lowered into the grave.

The flowers that made me cry. I typically mourn in silence, in that I don't like to tell people my problems. Well, I had told a couple friends, and they gave me flowers. And I cried like a baby when I saw them.

2009

I rarely make new year's resolutions. It just seems like a good way to be disappointed in myself. I know that is silly, and goals are really important and all. I set goals, they just don't coincide with a specific day of the year. Two years ago I made a New Year's resolution to make my bed everyday. I did really well for about a month. Go me. This year my resolution is to have no ER visits, and to have overall good health. Anyone who has spent much time with me knows that 2008 was not a great year- in terms of health. Otherwise the year was just fine. Sadly, I broke/sprained/badly bruised my toe on Monday. So much for this year. I have been limping ever since. It is getting better. I learned my lesson. When the sign at the playland at Del Taco says that you shouldn't get in if you are over 4 feet tall, you really shouldn't get in. And if you do, you shouldn't take your shoes off. It is just not a good idea.

2008 in review:

January
- lost at High School Musical DVD board game.

February
- voted, and was judged for it.
- Got an intestinal bug and decided I would rather have the bug than the cure.
- Spent a very large amount of money on a new computer and new camera. I love them both.

March
- turned 1/4 century old.
- bought a condo. And proceed to spend several weeks painting the condo.

April
- was mistaken for a minor (as in 14 or younger).
- saw Wicked for the second time while visiting my brother and sister-in-law and nephew.
- began getting hives at random times. Later in the year I am diagnosed with Cholinergic Urticaria. Not cool.
- have my first payed photography gig. I am not a professional.

May- moved into my condo.

June
- attempted to swallow a pill that then lodged in my throat for 8 hours requiring an emergency endoscopy. Subsequent diagnosis: eosinophilic esophagitis. Basically, if I don't take medication for the rest of my life my throat will close off and I will have to be on an all formula diet. No thank you.

July
- reconnected with my old roommates.
- went country dancing, for about 15 minutes. Promply dislocated/broke my leg. Took 5 weeks off work for recovery.

August
-went back to work.

September
- learned a very important lesson while cutting jalepenos.

October
- I don't remember what happened, which is a good sign.

November
- Went to South Bend, Chicago and Detroit.
- Got a cat. Her name is Gigi, and I love her.

December
- Decided that I am done with hospital visits for the next year.

I really can't complain (although I often do). I have a good life. I have great family and friends and love where I am at in life right now.

thoughts on sleep

There are a lot of things to be self conscious about.  I have decided that the things I do when I am asleep should not be on that list.  I am sorry to say, I cannot control what I do when I sleep.  If you can, please share your secrets.

1- When I went to the dentist last the nice dental hygienist told me that I have a lot of saliva.  She said that it was a good thing except when you are at the dentist and they have to suction you excessively to keep you from drooling all over yourself.  Needless to say, I am a sleep drooler.  I can't help it.  I try to fall asleep with my mouth closed, and from then on it is anybody's guess as to how much I am going to drool.  There is nothing I can do about this.  Or maybe there is.  I could set up some sort of suction device that would constantly suction the drool out of my mouth at night.  But lets be honest, that seems like a little silly.

2- I know that I snore when I am congested.  I can't help it.  Breathing is more important than being quiet while I sleep.  Sorry.  If I learned nothing else in nursing school it is the importance of the ABCs: Airway, Breathing, Circulation.  I am just trying to take care of the things that are important.  I have no idea if I snore when I am not sick.  I have not recorded myself.  I may snore.  And, I don't really care, to be completely honest.  Is that bad?  I have plenty of other things to worry about, like being healthy and getting to work on time, and taking care of my cat, and cleaning my house, and praying for my car to work everyday.

The reason I bring all of this up is that I was invited to go over to a friend's house last night to watch a movie with a bunch of people.  I ended up deciding not to go.  The major factor in this decision was the fact that I had slept approximately 4 of the previous 36 hours.  Anyone who knows me well knows that a tired Andrea is not happy Andrea.  Anyway, I opted out of going because I knew I would fall asleep almost immediately and then I would have to wake up and drive myself home in a state of delirium.  This seemed like a bad idea.  The other drivers on the road can thank me for my decision.  However, it also crossed my mind that if I fell asleep I may drool or, heaven forbid, make some sort of noise that I was not aware of.  And then people may laugh.  Or judge.  Or think that I am some sort of crazy person because I cannot control myself when I sleep.  Pull it together woman.  And for the record, I fully admit that I am crazy.  And I firmly believe that we all are.

Because of all of this, I have decided that I am no longer going to be self conscious about what I do when I am asleep.  I think I can do this.  My brother decided not to be ticklish anymore when he was younger, and that worked.  So here goes.

enough already.

This is just to say that I am done dating.

I am considering getting a cat.

I just thought you should know.

phone calls and BFFs

This guy started talking to me on TRAX.  This is not uncommon.  He was kinda crazy.  This is not uncommon.  Our conversation started based on the fact that I was wearing scrubs.  This is not uncommon.

So anyway, here we are talking about nothing and then he asks if he can use my phone.  This is a difficult thing for me on several levels.  First, he may steal it.  Second, he may call some crazy 900 number and rack up my bill.  Third (and most importantly), he will get his germs on my phone.  And who knows where he has been.  I must have given him a look, because then he asked if I would make a call for him.  Hmm.  He wanted me to call his mom.  This guy was probably in his 40s, and I was calling his mom.  I said okay.  Because I am a gluten for punishment like that.  So anyway, I am calling his mom and he is telling me to tell her who I am and stuff.  Like me and his mom are going to be BFFs.  So I start talking to his mom and telling her that her son, Ernie, would like to be picked up at the TRAX station in 20 minutes (and would it be all right if he went out and played with Billy later on... or that is where it felt like it was going).  Then his mom gets all upset like, why am I always having to take care of my 40-something son.  And here I am sitting there taking all her stress in like we are BFFs.  But we are not.  So then I say, okay well have a nice night.  And she hangs up.  On me.  Seriously, I am just an innocent bystander.  Last time I make a call for a random person.

And last time I give a kid a dollar so he can buy some drugs.  Oh wait that was a different story.

Self Discovery

Sometimes it is easier to live life on the surface.  You know, when you don't want to really delve inside yourself and discover who you are, where you are, and where you want to be.  Today was one of the days when I was not on the surface.  I was very much in the deep end.

I had a great day at work.  I took care of the same girl yesterday and today.  She was a doll.  And the family was great!  It was so fun.  I was actually really sad to see them go.  Happy that they went home, but sad at the same time.  Bitter sweet.  I enjoy that.  It is good to make connections with people.  I have found that some very valuable connections are made when one is vulnerable.  It is so important to be kind to people.  Sometimes you have no idea how vulnerable they may be feeling.  I am writing of much more than my experiences today.  Just in general, kindness matters.

It is easy to talk all the time and yet say nothing at all.  And it is a waste of time.  The last week or so I have tried to talk to people who have been busy, which is the way life is sometimes.  And I have talked a lot to people in conversations where nothing of significance is said.  I have realized yet again that it is important to have connections with people.  Deep and real connections.  Everyone needs someone.  In the Ensign last month there were lots of articles about single adults.  One talked about how it is important for single people to have someone to talk to every day.  It is so true.  That support means everything.  And yet it means nothing if it is not sincere.  However, I am reminded yet again that I always have the Lord.  I can talk to Him every day and have that connection.

It is better to love openly.  My current roommate is so open about saying "I love you," something I have never been very good at.  I learned how important saying "I love you" is from my roommate freshman year.  She probably doesn't even realize that she taught me this.  Thank you, Shanna.  I am not good about talking about my feelings when it really counts.  I am not good at opening my heart, yet I have such a vulnerable heart.  Tonight I opened my heart and it really hurt, but it is okay.  Sometimes the pain is good.

Friendships are so important to me.  I am not very good at keeping in touch with people.  Part of that has to do with the fact that I don't like getting hurt.  I don't open myself to deep relationships for fear that it may lead to deep pain.  But I realized (yet again) this week that all the pain is part of the joy.  My friends are so important to me.  I am not very good at expressing this.  I am not very good at being there.  I am not very good at supporting people no matter what.  But, when it comes down to it, I am a fierce defender of my friends.  And it hurts me so much when people say hurtful things about my friends.  I will continue to defend my friends, and to feel that those who care about me should care enough to care about my friends.  And vise versa.

I am sorry to wax on like this.  Sometimes we all need a little self-reflection.  And today was one of those days for me.  I am trying to become a better person, and I appreciate that you will stick with me through my bad days.

Eosinophilic Esophagitis and why it is not fun

I was just realizing yesterday that I am not sure if I could tolerate a mental illness, but physical problems I can handle.  I guess that is why I have been blessed with so many physical trials.  It is okay, I am a better person because of these things.

I was recently diagnosed with Eosinophilic Esophagitis.  Exactly.  It is about as confusing and obscure as it sounds.  I finally got into the allergist that knows what he is doing (and is a world expert, if anyone can be called an expert, on EE).  Unfortunately he is not covered by my insurance, so I had the opportunity of experiencing self-pay.  Almost $400 later...

Anyway, what this means for me is that my esophagus is inflamed severely, meaning that it is now much too small.  It is fun.  I chew a lot.  A lot a lot.  I have to take a bunch of meds that they hope will help, but they don't know if they will.  Any by "take meds" I mean that I have to either chew the pills or get the meds as syrups so that they don't get stuck in my throat.  And they did a bunch of skin allergen testing.  Luckily (or unluckily depending on your view) I did not react significantly to anything.  Soy sort of reacted, but only sort of.  So for now, no change in my diet.  Although an elemental diet has not been ruled out for future treatment.  Think how much easier it would be to be able to drink all of my food.  That sounds really nice.

So, no real answers on that front.  The amusing thing is that I will probably start being treated at Primary Children's because my doctor is going to start there and my insurance will cover my treatment there.  He suggested we just pretend I am a teenager.  Shouldn't be too hard.

In other news, he said I have cholinergic urticaria.  What that means is that I get hives a lot.  It is not fun.  I am going to have to take medicine for this.  And, since I can't swallow much of anything, I get to take the medicine as a liquid.  Sweet.  Hopefully this will make it so that I can start going to the gym again without getting so itchy.

As always, I am just keeping it real.  At least it is nothing that is going to kill me or shorten my life.  I may sound discouraged, but I am not.  It is going to be okay.  Everything always works out.  I have faith and hope.  And until then I chew very thoroughly.  It is a good weight loss plan.

more and more and more

Hard to see, but the bruising now extends to the outer side of my knee.

The bruising from above.

Closer up of the bruising.  Getting more and more colorful.  And it is now extends to mid calf and to both sides of the knee.

Evidence that today I bent my knee.  I am pretty sure that tomorrow (or later tonight) I am going to seriously regret this.

Better today than a year ago

There is something about the Johnsons, or to be more accurate the Ashworths.  See when we gain weight our faces expand exponentially.  It is really quite sad.  I know a lot of overweight people who maintain nice faces.  I also know a lot of Ashworths that have huge faces anytime they gain weight.  I could name names, but I will spare you.  I could post pictures, but that just wouldn't be nice.

I have lost a decent amount of weight since I finished college, and probably most of it was this calendar year.  I may not be exactly where I should be, but I am doing better than previously.  I have hit a snag lately because I can't go to the gym.  It is not fun.  It is a long story and involves some very unfortunate responses to sweating in which I actually think my body has developed an allergy to itself.  Luckily, I think I may be coming closer to an answer to the problem, thus a return to frequenting the gym.  Yeah!

However, looking back at pictures from graduation and from now, I look amazingly different.  Someone should have staged an intervention back in 2007.  Things got bad.

I think this was about March of 2007, the arm size is killer, and the face is expanding.

Moving on to graduation, April 2007.  It is no wonder that I never felt like I could never find sunglasses that fit without bumping annoyingly against my cheeks.  I think my face is about to pop.  It is amazing I can even open my eyes.

And this is from saturday night.  Not my all time best, but boy is it better than it was.  I think the straight hair makes me look thinner.  If it wasn't so time consuming, I would do my hair straight more often.  Too bad for being lazy.  At least I actually have a neck now.  And the double chin situation has improved greatly.

Update: just got back from the gym and it was not as bad as it has been.  Hopefully this is going to be a trend and not a fluke.  Lets hope for the best.

cycles of hunger

Life has interesting cycles.  For example, my cooking habits have cycled.  In junior high I was all about cooking and I actually cooked quite a bit.  Some in High School.  Then I got to college.  For the first year I held my own.  Mostly easy to make boxed meals.  But I ate.  Then I moved home for the summer.  I found myself totally reverting to being completely useless and dependent.  It was pretty crazy.  I made my way through the rest of college and actually ate pretty well with homemade food and lots of leftovers.  Then I moved home again and reverted again.  There is just something about mom making you dinner.  Now I have moved out and have yet to fix a real meal.  I have lived here almost a month.  I eat lots of cereal and granola bars.  Occasionally I make an omelet or have chips and salsa.  On really crazy days I have a quesadilla.  And until my yogurt supply dried up, I was eating lots of yogurt.  Now all that is in my fridge is cheese and milk.  It is going really well.  Any ideas of how long this cycle is going to last?

Oh and I go over to my parents several times a week for dinner.  That will keep up until they change the locks.

More pics

Go here to see pics of my place.  Right before I moved in.  This is the lazy way of posting.

six things

1. Yesterday I moved in. I don't have internet access because apparently the 4 neighbors that have wireless do not like to share. I don't think they passed Kindergarten. I remember sharing and cutting being very important parts of the curriculum in Kindergarten.

2. One of my neighbors came by with her dog to say hi. She told me that all the cars get broken into in our neighborhood. That stinks. Maybe they will just take my whole car so that I will have an excuse to get a new one. I almost killed my car yesterday. Apparently cars need oil. Weird.

3. I refuse to turn my heater on because summer is coming, dangit. So, I absolutely froze while sleeping before/after work last night. I might reconsider the heater thing tonight. If I am really cold. And feel like a human popsicle. Or, maybe if I can see my breath.

4. I have 1 fork, 1 spoon and 3 knives. If you come to visit and expect to eat we either have to take turns or not use proper flatware. Oh, and I don't have any plates. But I do have a lid to a casserole dish that I used to eat my burrito yesterday. I am high class.

5. My dad doorbell ditched yesterday. I wasn't home. He left a couch on my porch. An upholstered couch. It stayed there until after I got home from church today and my brother could help me move it inside. I am officially white trash. So much for making friends in my new place.

6. Pictures to come. Will represent the current state of my condo.