No really, this happened.

Edited to add [commentary] so that you can follow this.

The following is a transcript of a text message conversation I had today. To protect the innocent I won't use real names. J, M and T are all male. I had deleted some of my sent mail prior to typing this so the beginning is a little bit summary. J and I are good friends. M is also in the ward, we are friends, but not that good of friends. T. is also in the ward and we are friends.

M: If u r bored we can do something on the parking lot john says we can borrow his van [M is asking me to come enjoy him in van outside, its one of those work vans without any windows, pretty sketchy.]

Andrea to J: I'm going to kill you. [J is typically the one telling people to text me crazy stuff]

M: I'll protect him [J and M were outside together]

Andrea to M: I'll kill you too.

M: I haven't done anything to u why?

M: I am waiting!!! I bet the only thing more comfortable than this van is u bb [M is still coming on to me...]

I then asked J if he was texting me from M's phone because I was very uncomfortable.

J: I just told him to text you. What did he say?!

I forwarded the texts from M to J.

J: That is so nice!! Take him up on his offer!

T: Why is M in a white van holding up a sign on the window with your name on it?

several hours later...

M: Hey andrea do u want to drink from the waters of M [without being around J he is still saying crazy stuff, this is bad]

Forwarded M's text to J.

J: WHAT!!!

Andrea to J: You have created a monster!

Andrea to M: You are crazy!

J: Quench your thirst!

Andrea to J: I will never be that thirsty. [this is all referring to "the waters of M"]

J: Just try a sip...

Andrea to J: One sip of poison is still enough to kill you.

J: True. I almost died at my first Poison concert.

Andrea to J: Finally you are starting to understand

J: No. If I could go back I would do it again. His waters are pure...

M: R u dehydrated

Andrea to J: Are you talking to M right now?

J: I never have outside of church... What is he doing?

Forwarded M's text to J.

J: I will now call him The Hydrator!

Andrea to J: I am not thirsty for his kind of hydration

This is not fabricated or embellished. This really is my life. And my parents wonder why I am still single.