Monday, July 18, 2011


1. DMV- the one here in AZ is horrible. I spent 3.5 hours there to get my driver's license and car registered.  At least I am legal now.

2. Monsoon Season- Apparently this is "monsoon season". In AZ that means that we get dust storms and light sprinkling rain.  I have been in what I considered to be monsoons while in Africa, and it was nothing like this.  Everyone here makes it out to be a really big deal and really terrible. The dust storm today lasted a few hours and just made the air brown for a while.  A lot of hype for nothing.

3. My GPS and I are co-dependent. I can't get anywhere on my own. And if I try to, I get lost.  But, major win: I got home from the gym tonight without even turning my GPS on.  It required 4 turns. Don't be too impressed.

4. I have gained weight. Not an excessive amount of weight, but I am up a bit from all the weight I have lost this last year. On the positive side, I am still 20 pounds down from my heaviest.  Time to get back to business!

5. I think I have a friend. I have talked to the same person at FHE two weeks in a row. And, I think we are going to hang out tomorrow. She is my age, and seems pretty cool. Hopefully we can be friends.  It is nice to talk to someone in person. It is amazing how good it feels to have conversations that don't take place over the phone!

6. Hair- a lot of people here have brown hair. I like it. Utah is so full of fake hair and fake boobs and fake everything. It is nice to see natural-ness here.

7. Libraries- why the heck do the libraries close at 5?! I wanted to get my library card, but the DMV took too long and I wasn't able to get there by 5. 

8. Brave=stupid. People keep saying I am brave for moving here. I don't think that is accurate. I feel like a big baby all the time. I cry a lot. And if I don't cry, I am on the verge almost constantly. This is really hard and really lonely. I'm not brave at all. 

9. I'm from Utah- this is the first time in my life that saying that phrase has not immediately elicited the response "are you mormon?" It is surprising. I have told a ton of people where I am from, and only 1 person has asked if I'm mormon. I got asked that in foreign countries, but not here. Huh.

10. Febreze- as much as I had hoped that it would solve my ash-tray apartment, it has not done anything. Adding febreze to stale smoke smell just makes a flowery stale smoke smell. I still smell disgusting everywhere I go. Another reason why I choose not to smoke.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

dot dot dot

I was a little late to church today. Just a couple minutes. Not a big deal. I walked in and found a seat in the back.  I sat by myself, which I don't mind.  Within a couple minutes the guy sitting across the aisle from me walked over and asked if I would like to come sit by him and his friend. Sure. What have I got to lose. It was all a little awkward because the meeting was already going when this happened, but oh well. His first line was his name and calling (ward missionary). The last time I met someone who introduced himself this way it was not a very good experience. But, I was hoping for the best.
We finished Sacrament meeting and I said thank you for asking me to sit there. He responded with something about how he would go with me to Sunday School but he had another class to go to. And that was the end of our interaction. And no one else talked to me. To be fair, I didn't talk to anyone else, so I have no one to blame but myself. I haven't cried since last Sunday, and was feeling a bit on the edge of a break down today, so I just tried to stay to myself so I wouldn't lose it.

I appreciate that he went out of his way to sit with me, but I feel like he only did it to check of a box for his calling. Who knows, maybe we will end up being friends at some point. I will take all the friends I can at this point!

My parents get home on Wednesday. I'm really excited about this, even though we live in different states. But at least I will be able to talk to them again.

I went to my cousin's house for dinner tonight. It was so nice to have a real conversation with someone in person. It has been a while since I have had that. Thanks Lani and Reid! 

My great new work friends are probably not going to be friends that I spend a lot of time with. Our interests are very different. Different in ways that will probably prevent us from finding things we can do together very frequently. But it has been really nice to get to know some people.

This last week has been a lot better than the week before it.  There are still a lot of bumps in my road, but I am dealing with them with less emotion.

Why on earth is 24 Hour Fitness not open 24 hours here?! That is totally lame.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Stream of consiousness

I got into town Thursday. This has been a really rough few days.  I can think of 2 other times in my life that have been this hard emotionally. The loneliness that comes with moving like this is very consuming. I have a few friends here in town, but most of the day I am essentially alone. I am sure that it will help me become a much better person, but right now it just sucks. Big time.
I can't even express how much it means to hear people's voices that I know, or to get texts from people I know and love. It is what gets me through.

I cry about every hour or so.  Mostly out of loneliness and being overwhelmed. More lonely than overwhelmed. These are the times that I think about how I could go missing and no one would realize for days.

My apartment is disgusting and in the ghetto. Major ghetto. It smells so strongly inside of smoke. Today at church I realized the nasty smoke smell was me, not someone around me. Gross. So hopefully that will calm down some as I live here longer. Stale, old second hand smoke is gross.

I start work tomorrow. I am excited to be busy. I am sure I will meet a bunch of new people which should help me not feel so lonely all the time. 

The checker guy at Albertson's last night talked to me for a while, and it felt so good to feel like I have a friend here. Even though I don't even know him.  I find myself talking to anyone who will talk to me. And probably talking their ear off.

I don't want anyone to feel bad for me, I signed up for this. Ultimately this is what I want. It is just tough in the mean time. I am sure that it will get better as the days go by. I am really trying to enjoy this change.