Wednesday, July 25, 2012


I've started having major anxiety. Like I lay awake for hours at night working through various situations where I will almost die. I have to work through every angle before my mind will rest. It's horrible.
Shopping has begun to create melt downs for me. I went to Walmart to pick up a couple things for my friend's party and by the time I got back I was a hot mess. I hate it.
The more anxiety I have the more anxious I get about having anxiety and it just continues in a vicious cycle of consuming anxiety.
I like to think that it all stems from my stressful job and constant lack of sleep. But I don't know.
I do know that I feel all sorts of broken and dysfunctional. I can't stop it and I don't choose to have it. But I still feel like I should be able to fix it.
Most of my friends here have been really supportive and non judgmental about it all. That helps a lot. I try to spend my time off relaxing as much as possible.
Little things help. Like when I decided what hospital I will go to if I have an emergency. Since then I haven't had any severe injury related anxiety attacks.
I really want a new job. This one is killing me. I need to de-stress my life. Maybe I will just go live in a bubble.
Life is really good most of the time. I'm happy here in Arizona. I have good friends here and a stable job. These are good things.
Hopefully the refining fire I have been in for the last year will let up soon. I'm getting burned a lot and I don't think I'm learning as much as I should. Oh well. If it was easy it wouldn't be hard :)
The good news is that I'm going to San Diego in a week. I just get to lay on the beach and relax. It will be really wonderful.
I'm not always such a downer, it's just how I'm feeling today.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

1 year later

I have lived in Phoenix for a year. I have been working in the PICU for a year. Oh what a year it has been!
I have learned a lot. I have grown a lot. I have been stretched in ways that I didn't know I could stretch. Overall, I think this has been a good experience for me.
Things of note:
1. I didn't lose my house.  It has been an intense year of flooding, renters, and paying a mortgage and rent. But, I have kept my house and made it work.  I am blessed to make enough to cover all my expenses. And even replace the carpet in my entire condo. So fun. It is so nice to have a renter in there again, and know that it will be taken care of for a while.
2. I live in the ghetto. As long as I don't go out alone at night I feel pretty safe.  And it is pretty rare that people try to break in.  Ah, the beauty of the ex-boyfriend lock. It is really nice to have a lock that can only be accessed from the inside. Most of the time my apartment is just right, except when the A/C goes out and it is 100+. And the smoke smell is lessening I think, sort of.
3. My heart was not meant for breaking.  Its been a long few months of learning and growing.  And I realize why I have stayed single for so long. When I open my heart I really open it and then I am open to getting really really hurt.  I guess that its worth it, but I'm not sure I believe that. I have realized that I am a hyper-sensitive person. In that I mean that I feel things very acutely and intensely.  And I don't ever want to go through the can't breathe because I'm crying so hard thing again. It physically hurt to be that sad. And I don't know that I can do it again. But I survived last time, so who knows. Trying to open my heart again is a huge challenge.
4. I am overly emotional. This last year has been more stressful than nursing school. That's hard to accomplish. All of that stress has made me an emotional basket-case, just ask anyone in Phoenix.  I'm kind of a mess. But processing the emotion out loud works better for me than holding it all in and letting it build up.  So my crazy emotional new self just deals with it. And, luckily, my friends here in Phoenix seem to do okay with it all. They are good people.
5. I have finally embraced my quirky self. I am nerdy and sassy and opinionated and weird. And I am the real me here. And people don't run away, which is great. I am so much happier being my true self. I could have accomplished this anywhere, but I found myself in Phoenix. Oh what a wonderful way to be.  I don't worry nearly as much about what people think of me anymore. It is quite freeing to live this way. I am weird and I like it.
6. My wonderful grandma passed away this year. That was not fun, but I am so happy that she is now at peace. I was lucky to visit her 2 times in the last few months. She was the last of my grandparents to pass away. It is sad to have her gone, but I feel like she is watching out for me, which is nice.
7. Phoenix is hot, but I still get cold. Turns out that it doesn't matter where I live, I am going to freeze in the winter. I guess my internal thermostat is just really broken. Ha.
8. I don't love my job, but I also don't hate it which is major progress. I have learned a lot in the PICU, and have really awesome co-workers. I am so so sick of night shifts. I am pretty sure I am cutting years off my life working nights. Oh well. I have a good job, which is something to be very grateful for.

Overall I am better person in a lot of ways because of this last year. But I definitely have a LONG way to go.  I am glad I moved here. Who knows how much longer I will stay, but it is working for me for now. I enjoy the freedom of being able to go where I want when i want.