Sunday, July 10, 2011

Stream of consiousness

I got into town Thursday. This has been a really rough few days.  I can think of 2 other times in my life that have been this hard emotionally. The loneliness that comes with moving like this is very consuming. I have a few friends here in town, but most of the day I am essentially alone. I am sure that it will help me become a much better person, but right now it just sucks. Big time.
I can't even express how much it means to hear people's voices that I know, or to get texts from people I know and love. It is what gets me through.

I cry about every hour or so.  Mostly out of loneliness and being overwhelmed. More lonely than overwhelmed. These are the times that I think about how I could go missing and no one would realize for days.

My apartment is disgusting and in the ghetto. Major ghetto. It smells so strongly inside of smoke. Today at church I realized the nasty smoke smell was me, not someone around me. Gross. So hopefully that will calm down some as I live here longer. Stale, old second hand smoke is gross.

I start work tomorrow. I am excited to be busy. I am sure I will meet a bunch of new people which should help me not feel so lonely all the time. 

The checker guy at Albertson's last night talked to me for a while, and it felt so good to feel like I have a friend here. Even though I don't even know him.  I find myself talking to anyone who will talk to me. And probably talking their ear off.

I don't want anyone to feel bad for me, I signed up for this. Ultimately this is what I want. It is just tough in the mean time. I am sure that it will get better as the days go by. I am really trying to enjoy this change.


Kimberly said...

I definitely understand. And even though it WILL be for the best, you are still allowed to feel crummy right now, especially with a stinky apartment. How long is your lease? When we moved in to our place here, I cried for three days it was so dirty. Not only did it gradually get better with a clean person living in it, but in a while we knew the area better and could find a better place the next time around. I don't have a ton of family in that area of Phoenix, but I know a lot of people in the Valley, so if you need any contacts on places to live etc, let me know! Also, will you be able to attend Institute? That might help with finding some interaction before you start talking to inanimate objects. Chin up! You are brave and talented. You can do it!

Becca said...

Hang in there girl...You are too social of a person to not make new friends. You aren't like me and just sit around in my house complaining I don't have friends. Just have fun, who cares if you are in the ghetto...I grew up in the ghetto and turned out just fine, I think at least.

Lani said...

Welcome to the ghetto, girl! I, for one, am so glad you're here! Email me your phone number so we can get together!

Brad and Rochelle said...

I will probably be in Phoenix the last week of November, my husband has training for a week and I don't want him to go alone. So maybe we can do something and you can show me around if you are not working!

Jenn said...

I remember when I made a move similar to yours, and I felt so lonely because I didn't know anyone well enough yet to even get a hug. A little thing, but I don't think I was over-reacting. It's hard to make a move like you have. New routine helps. I'm glad I get to see you soon! Love you, Andrea!

Diana said...

I'm sorry your sad. I miss you lots and wish I was there to cheer you up. I promise it will get better once you get into your job and start meeting people. In the meantime, you are in my prayers!