Feels like home to me

I went to California two weekends ago with one of my best friends, Ellyn. And it was absolutely the perfect vacation. It was exactly what I've been needing lately.

We left Phoenix on Thursday morning and drove to San Diego. That evening we went to the San Diego temple. It is so gorgeous. This has long been my favorite temple, but I hadn't been inside since I was a kid and went to the open house. I have to say, the beauty inside far outweighs the beauty outside.

After we finished at the temple we drove to our hotel in Oceanside. We stopped for dinner at a cute little diner called The Pit. Really great burgers and fries. We originally stopped at a super ghetto drive thru but were too nervous to eat there. Glad we moved on, because The Pit was awesome. That night we settled in and watched the olympics then went to bed.

On Friday we woke up early and drove to Newport Beach to go to the temple there. So great.

Then we headed to Newport Beach and laid in the sun for hours. That beach is by far my favorite. The sand is soft, the waves are just right. It's not too busy to make you crazy. Really, it's just right.

We read and slept and played in the water, and it was great.

In the evening we went back to Oceanside, grabbed some take out dinner at a local Latino market and headed to the beach to watch the sunset. I love sunsets at the beach. Then back to the hotel to warm up in the hot tub, watch some Olympics and fall asleep early. Oh how I love going to sleep early! Don't worry, I medicated myself to sleep each night. I no longer trust my ability to sleep on my own.

Saturday morning we braved the traffic to go up to Los Angeles. We got to the temple first thing and enjoyed our third temple in three days.

Then we headed to Huntington Beach. And it was crazy! We had to park over a mile away and walk to the beach.

And it happened to be the US Open of Surfing that day, so the beach was insanely crowded. We used to go to Huntington when we lived in California, and I remember it being fun, but this time it was somewhat of a dud.

The sand was really rough and it was over crowded. All in all, our least favorite beach of the trip. But we still enjoyed the sun, sand and water.

We saw this crazy high truck twice.  Ellyn is really short, and this truck was insanely tall.

That night we went back to Oceanside and watched the sunset at the beach again. Then we watched the olympics and went to bed. Another perfect day.

Sunday morning we slept in a little, had breakfast at the hotel, checked out and went to the beach at Oceanside. We just laid on the beach and relaxed for a few hours. It was so nice to just hang out at the beach everyday.

After a while we headed back home. The drive went well, and we made it safe to hot Phoenix. It sure was unpleasant to open the car door to 108 degrees after spending four days in paradise.

All in all the vacation was perfect. Relaxing, uplifting, rejuvenating. Couldn't have asked for anything better!

Anxious

I've started having major anxiety. Like I lay awake for hours at night working through various situations where I will almost die. I have to work through every angle before my mind will rest. It's horrible.
Shopping has begun to create melt downs for me. I went to Walmart to pick up a couple things for my friend's party and by the time I got back I was a hot mess. I hate it.
The more anxiety I have the more anxious I get about having anxiety and it just continues in a vicious cycle of consuming anxiety.
I like to think that it all stems from my stressful job and constant lack of sleep. But I don't know.
I do know that I feel all sorts of broken and dysfunctional. I can't stop it and I don't choose to have it. But I still feel like I should be able to fix it.
Most of my friends here have been really supportive and non judgmental about it all. That helps a lot. I try to spend my time off relaxing as much as possible.
Little things help. Like when I decided what hospital I will go to if I have an emergency. Since then I haven't had any severe injury related anxiety attacks.
I really want a new job. This one is killing me. I need to de-stress my life. Maybe I will just go live in a bubble.
Life is really good most of the time. I'm happy here in Arizona. I have good friends here and a stable job. These are good things.
Hopefully the refining fire I have been in for the last year will let up soon. I'm getting burned a lot and I don't think I'm learning as much as I should. Oh well. If it was easy it wouldn't be hard :)
The good news is that I'm going to San Diego in a week. I just get to lay on the beach and relax. It will be really wonderful.
I'm not always such a downer, it's just how I'm feeling today.

1 year later

I have lived in Phoenix for a year. I have been working in the PICU for a year. Oh what a year it has been!
I have learned a lot. I have grown a lot. I have been stretched in ways that I didn't know I could stretch. Overall, I think this has been a good experience for me.
Things of note:
1. I didn't lose my house.  It has been an intense year of flooding, renters, and paying a mortgage and rent. But, I have kept my house and made it work.  I am blessed to make enough to cover all my expenses. And even replace the carpet in my entire condo. So fun. It is so nice to have a renter in there again, and know that it will be taken care of for a while.
2. I live in the ghetto. As long as I don't go out alone at night I feel pretty safe.  And it is pretty rare that people try to break in.  Ah, the beauty of the ex-boyfriend lock. It is really nice to have a lock that can only be accessed from the inside. Most of the time my apartment is just right, except when the A/C goes out and it is 100+. And the smoke smell is lessening I think, sort of.
3. My heart was not meant for breaking.  Its been a long few months of learning and growing.  And I realize why I have stayed single for so long. When I open my heart I really open it and then I am open to getting really really hurt.  I guess that its worth it, but I'm not sure I believe that. I have realized that I am a hyper-sensitive person. In that I mean that I feel things very acutely and intensely.  And I don't ever want to go through the can't breathe because I'm crying so hard thing again. It physically hurt to be that sad. And I don't know that I can do it again. But I survived last time, so who knows. Trying to open my heart again is a huge challenge.
4. I am overly emotional. This last year has been more stressful than nursing school. That's hard to accomplish. All of that stress has made me an emotional basket-case, just ask anyone in Phoenix.  I'm kind of a mess. But processing the emotion out loud works better for me than holding it all in and letting it build up.  So my crazy emotional new self just deals with it. And, luckily, my friends here in Phoenix seem to do okay with it all. They are good people.
5. I have finally embraced my quirky self. I am nerdy and sassy and opinionated and weird. And I am the real me here. And people don't run away, which is great. I am so much happier being my true self. I could have accomplished this anywhere, but I found myself in Phoenix. Oh what a wonderful way to be.  I don't worry nearly as much about what people think of me anymore. It is quite freeing to live this way. I am weird and I like it.
6. My wonderful grandma passed away this year. That was not fun, but I am so happy that she is now at peace. I was lucky to visit her 2 times in the last few months. She was the last of my grandparents to pass away. It is sad to have her gone, but I feel like she is watching out for me, which is nice.
7. Phoenix is hot, but I still get cold. Turns out that it doesn't matter where I live, I am going to freeze in the winter. I guess my internal thermostat is just really broken. Ha.
8. I don't love my job, but I also don't hate it which is major progress. I have learned a lot in the PICU, and have really awesome co-workers. I am so so sick of night shifts. I am pretty sure I am cutting years off my life working nights. Oh well. I have a good job, which is something to be very grateful for.

Overall I am better person in a lot of ways because of this last year. But I definitely have a LONG way to go.  I am glad I moved here. Who knows how much longer I will stay, but it is working for me for now. I enjoy the freedom of being able to go where I want when i want.

Best Birthday

Life is really good. Unexpectedly wonderful.

My birthday was yesterday. It was great. I spent Friday night with friends and had an awesome date last night. I talked to a lot of great friends. I have no complaints.

And, no, I didn't run the half marathon. I had a really rough (fully dysfunctional, unable to get out of bed, can one person seriously cry that much?!) month. And it halted my training. But that's okay. Turns out being 29 is pretty great so far. I'm a very lucky girl. And happier than I've been in a really long time.

And thank goodness my plans never work out, because God's plans are immensely better.

Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans

Moving to Phoenix has been an interesting adventure. It has been wonderful and horrible. But it has been everything I have needed it to be.

I went to institute tonight. We talked about a lot of things. One of which was having faith and following God's plan for each of us. When the opportunity to move to Phoenix came up it felt so good and so right. I knew it was the right thing for me. But it has been far from flowers and butterflies since I moved. I have some wonderful friends here and love the weather. Really, I love Phoenix. But I would be lying if I didn't say it has been excruciatingly difficult. Like, curl up in a ball and cry until there are no more tears. Then cry some more. And some more.

So anyway. I'm sort of at a crossroads. I have always been a financially smart person. My credit is good. I don't spend money frivolously. I bought a house because it was a wise and good decision that felt so right. And now my life has taken a very different turn. And my house is not something I want/need. And I'm going to have to short sale. Which will kill my credit. Majorly. But it will be okay. There is more to life than great credit. The freedom to live my dreams will come with selling the house. And my dreams don't require good credit.

Funny how decisions that were so led by the Spirit in my life (buying a house, moving to Phoenix) have created a great deal of heartache and trauma for me. All of this is helping me become the person I want to be. And honestly, I love the idea of having the doors of opportunity wide open to me.

When all is said and done, I will have the financial freedom to live my dreams. I will have so many opportunities to do so much good with the money I won't be spending on my mortgage each month. It will all be okay. It always is. Things work out. They never seem to work out the way I plan, but they always work out better than I dreamed for myself.

So here's to the next step of my life. I can't wait to see what is coming next. I'm looking forward to having hind sight and understanding what all of this has taught me.

And I'm looking forward to monumentally decreasing my stress level by selling the house. I will be able to get through without so many breakdowns and tears. Good things will come. And I'm excited to find out what is next!