Like a fool

Last night at work I had a funny experience. I was standing in the hallway holding a fussy baby. I look down the hall and see a man with a package motioning me down the hall. I look the opposite direction to see if he is motioning to someone else. My initial impression is that he is a maintenance or housekeeping staff. So, I begin to walk down the hall toward him. Realizing that this whole situation is slightly fishy, I turn to the nurse next to me and say "if I don't come back, come find me". As I come nearer to the man he begins to shh me. He is of bigger build, not fat, just thick. As in, he could take me without hardly trying. Hmm. I consider stopping and turning back at this point. This is quickly turning into a potentially dangerous situation. My better judgment does not get the best of me (as it usually does) and I continue down the hall. As I get even closer I notice the box in his hand and watch as he begins to close the doors so that we will not be overheard. This makes me very nervous. I am now scared for the safety of myself and the child I am holding. I stop, he notices my trepidation and leaves the door open. He whispers to me about delivering this package to one of the nurses on our unit. He says she is working tonight and that the box is from her "secret admirer" although he claims she will know who that is. Like a fool, I accept the package for this nurse I do not know and whose name is not familiar in the slightest. I turn, package in hand, and walk back to where I started from, like a deer in the headlights. As I return to my nursing station I look back down the hall to see that he is gone. My first action: open the box. By the way, I would be a terrible member of a bomb squad. Inside the box: shoes. Nice ones. Dansko shoes. So, I walk the box to the main desk and ask if there is a nurse working by said name. Apparently she is new. So, I call her and have her come get the box. She is not nervous about it at all. Her boyfriend, the "secret admirer" bought her new shoes as a gift for passing nursing boards. My first thought: no one bought me new shoes for passing boards. Hmm. So, it all turned out to be fine and safe. However, if that ever happens again, I am calling security. How stupid can you get!

my thoughts, my peace

There are some things that the human mind cannot process. The events of this last week put me in a position to try to reconcile such things in my mind. An impossible task. I did the only things I knew to do. I talked about it (at work, where it is safe), cried about it, and of course I turned to the Lord. The combination of the three has helped me cope with the un-cope-able. The only thing that has brought peace is the comfort of the Lord. I no longer cry myself to sleep. I no longer cry at the very thought of all that transpired. It still makes me sad and sick, but the pain is easing. I am so so glad and greatful for the wonderful coworkers I have. So many supportive people have helped me get through this. It is not over, but I am getting through it. And, good things are coming out of all that transpired, so I will focus on that.

All of this has again reminded me of my limitations. It has been terribly busy at work, and emotionally I was overwhelmed. I hate to ask for favors, but knew that I needed a little break. So I called and asked for an easier assignment for work last night. I have had some very very difficult assignments over the past week, on top of everything else. Luckily, they were able to give me a better assignment. I was happy at work again. It was such a wonderful thing. I think that sometimes everyone forgets I am new. I was talking to the charge nurse last night and she said that I always get difficult assignments because everyone knows that they can trust me and that I am a great nurse. I am not sure if that is common consensus, or just her feelings, but it helped to hear that. Little things like that are helping restore my confidence in my job skills, and are helping me not give up on my career (something I seriously considered after Thursday).

My capstone preceptor, who I talked about previously, said that she can't believe the things I have had to experience since I have been a nurse, that I have had a harder go than is "fair" for someone as new as I am. I must say, I have to agree with that. I am not complaining, most of the experiences have helped me learn very quickly and have made me a better nurse (I hope). I just think that sometimes because I have been through so much and handled so much that people forget that I am new and sometimes it can be a little much. It is getting better all the time. I became a nurse because I wanted to be continually challenged, so I guess you could say I asked for this.

So, I am going to buck up and be happy again. After last night and today being so good, that should be a much easier thing to achieve.

In unrelated news, as I was leaving work this morning this guy stopped and asked my friend and I for directions to the State Examiner. I have no idea where that is, but I did my best. The amusing part to me was when he asked where we were going. I am pretty sure he wanted to give us a ride. 1. I would have not gotten in the car with him (even though he seemed normal and was rather attractive. 2. He was definitely not going my way, so it wouldn't have made sense. It just made me smile. Usually people that ask me to get in their car with them are scary looking. He was not.

Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Today was no good. None at all. For the second time this week I broke down in the middle of work. We are talking serious breakdown, with crying and the whole bit. Yeah, I am awesome. Days like today and Thursday make me want to change my career. Thank goodness for my capstone preceptor. She was at work today and talked to me for a while. Or at least listened to me for a while. She has faith in me. That will hold me up for a while. On the way home from work I listened to an EFY CD. "There's a masterpiece hidden underneath all these imperfections. Chisel down to it, let your heart do it, don't be distracted." That is what I feel like. I have a whole bunch of crap on top of a pretty decent soul. I just hope that the Lord will have patience with me as I am bounced through the current of life and perfected in the Refiner's fire. I have no where to go but up from here. One day at a time. One hour at a time. One minute.

Peace will come

I will tell about my skydiving another day. Today I have only one thing on my mind. Consuming my thoughts, bringing many emotions. It is not something I can write about. I have been humbled once more. The Plan of Salvation is such a precious thing. My understanding is so minute. I have realized even more how "tender", if you will, my heart is. I open myself to things very easily. This is usually a good thing, but also accounts for great pain at times. I have no words. I am not even making sense. I do know that my mind is full and sleep will not come. There is a lot to ponder. I am so so greatful for the Atonement. Peace will come.

I am sorry to purge, I am not asking for pity or sympathy, I just need to express my thoughts right now.

Shocker

I have nothing to say. Weird. So, I posted new pictures in the Slide. That is the best I can do. I pulled the skydiving pics off of the video, so the quality isn't that great, but it is still fun.

Raging, appropriately.

So a couple years ago (maybe 3 or 4) my previous evil dentist filled a cavity. Unfortunately the filling cracked (which apparently rarely happens) so he had to re-fill it. On the second go around he filled my cavity too full and my tooth cracked. Lets see, who's fault could that be? Third go around, I get a crown. Stinking dentist. And, I had to pay for it even though it was not my fault that I had to get a crown. Ever since the crown has been in place it has been weird, as I can floss up and into the crown and lots of food gets caught up there. Quite frustrating. So today I finally gave in and went to the dentist again. A new good dentist. Luckily I have no cavities: thank you diligent brushing/flossing. Unfortunately, my crown was put on very very poorly. Such that I get to look forward to that crown being replaced in the next 5-7 years, and two new crowns (on the neighboring teeth). Isn't that just exciting! My new dentist said that mistakes happen, but if he were the one who had put that crown on, he would feel obligated to fix it at no charge. So, the decision is down to whether or not I want to fight with previous dentist over this. And whether I want to risk another bad crown. Bleh.

In other news, I need a lawyer. I may be getting sued. Probably not me personally, but likely the hospital, and I was involved. Doesn't that sound fun? Chris should change his law plans so he can be my defense lawyer, and soon. As my dad would say, it isn't so bad, I look good in stripes. See you after my 6 months to a year. I will get to meet some nice new friends in prison. Lucky me. And to top it all off, the whole situation makes me physically and emotionally sick because of what happened to my little kiddo. I want to cry.

I wanna be one less, one less

The Facts:
I am riding the train home. In the middle of the car (behind me) is a thin woman with blond hair and a pink shirt. Every few stops she stands up, walks the length of the car, nodding her head as she looks at each person, then sits down. Between stops she picks up her book and appears to read. At each stop she closely watches the doors and looks at every person entering and leaving the train while holding her PDA in her hand, then notes something in her PDA.

The Theories:
OCD: There is a strong possibility that she may truly be OCD. She may have an uncontrollable urge to count every person entering and leaving the train, and to ensure an accurate count every few stops in case anyone is missed. If this is the case, it is tragic because she will never get very far in her book, and she will use a lot of space in her PDA recording meaningless numbers.

Undercover UTA worker: Perhaps UTA hires people to count the number of people that ride the train. This would be a very tedious job. It seems like it would be easier to just look at ticket sales. And, why would she be undercover?

Science Project/Thesis: People do crazy things for school projects. Maybe it is part of her education to discover how many people are using mass transit daily. That is stinky homework (and this is coming from someone who loves riding the train).

The humor:
I found myself watching her at every stop. I almost felt like helping her. Lets get the whole train involved, that way it will be easier. Everyone just watch one door. I also felt a little bit spied on, which was actually amusing. What would she say about me: "tired looking, unkempt female in unattractive scrubs, on at Gallivan, off at Murray Central". As I exited the train I turned to my friend and said "minus one", then I turned to the lady who had her PDA held at ready for me to exit. I wonder what she would do if I got out and then back in at one stop. Ah, the possibilities.

I love public transit.

Things that make you go hmmm.

So at work we have different "pods". Essentially each pod has 6-12 beds and a little nursing station. C pod is closed for remodeling. B pod is full of our chronic or long-stay kids (private rooms). Downstairs B pod (satellite pod) is full of contagious kids (ick. Also private rooms.). A and D pods are just your usual hospital patients. That said, for some reason I am only put on A and D pods. I have tried to discover the reason for this, through my own twisted thought process. When I started I was always put on either of the B pods. Now it has switched. This means, that frequently I am the only nurse, or only person on my pod. That gets kindof boring and sleepy time sets in much more easily. I have thought that possibly they exile me because I am a distraction to others (a known problem of mine) or that they want to give me the "easier kids" or something. I am not convinced that is the reason. See, I am always the one that gets the 3 or 4 patient loads when everyone else is cruising around with 2 patients. And then, last night, one of the other nurses came over and chatted with me. She was surprised that I was all by myself on my pod. She started around the same time as me and said: "I would be so scared if they put me by myself on a pod. I still ask so many questions that I would never be on my pod." Ah ha! Maybe that is the reason. Maybe they trust my skills and abilities enough to hold it together by my lonesome and with extra patients. So, I have decided to look at it as a compliment. I am doing good at my job. Go Andrea.

or, it could just be chance.

10 things I sacrifice/risk/give up/etc to ride TRAX

If you know me, you know that I love public transportation. There is just something wonderful about people watching and saving gas at the same time. A friend at work suggested that I write a book about my experiences on TRAX, as I always have rather amusing anecdotes from my adventures. This list isn't really about stories, but about the reasons behind my chosen form of transportation. I heart TRAX.

10. Risk my car being stolen every day/night as the TRAX parking lots are not exactly safe. This is a risk I am willing to take. It will just give me one more reason to buy a newer car. And, then I wouldn't have to get a new windshield (mine currently has two very large cracks).

9. Risk my car being broken into. This really wouldn't be much of a problem. They could steal my EFY CDs, or my Murray High blanket. Yep, worth the risk.

8. $4/paycheck, $8/month, $96/year to pay for the TRAX pass. This really isn't much considering that it cost a couple dollars to ride it for one day. Nevertheless, it is something.

7. Risk sitting my someone who is stinky or foul, with little way of getting out the situation while saving face. Usually it is easy to spot the unwashed miscreants, but there is always a risk of them sitting by you once you have already found that perfect seat.

6. Risk unintentionally getting in the middle of shady drug deals. Lets just say one group of salesmen handled the transaction feet away from the door of the train.

5. Give up the excitement of Utah driving, and the risk of getting in an accident.

4. Give up biweekly trips to Costco for gas. Some would contest that this truly is a sacrifice. My bank account would suggest otherwise.

3. Give up the joy of searching for a parking space at 6:45 in the morning at PCMC, which is always a chore.

2. Sacrifice sleep. I have to leave for work about 20 minutes earlier than if I were driving all the way there. I used to make up for it by sleeping on the train, but you can only miss your stop so many times before you decide it is a bad idea to take naps on the train.

1. Risk giving up my single status. Unlike the rest of my life's arena, there seem to be plenty of interested and willing men who ride TRAX. Most recently, the "pirate man". He was wearing a patch over his left eye, complete with skull and cross bones on it. He walked right past my friends and commented to me: "Hey, Babe." He was a real keeper. I may have missed my opportunity for true love.

Flat Johnsons

Did you ever hear about Flat Stanley? He was a paper doll that traveled the world in letters. Well, take that idea and mix it with Liz's suggestion that I take life-size paper cutouts of her, Chris and Connor to the family party. Voila! Flat Johnsons!
Here is a photo montage of the family party with the Flat Johnsons.

Walking to the car. Notice that their coloring is not quite right. Being flattened and having an arm amputated can do that to you.

Driving to Springville. Someone forgot to buckle up! Bad Flat Johnsons!

Walking into the backyard for the party. Walk softly and carry a big stick.

Ready for some appetizers. They really enjoyed the carrots. It is one of the reasons for the orange colored skin.

Visiting with the bird in the bird cage. This is likely the same situation that caused Flat Liz to lose her arms. Tragic.

Berkley likes to keep the Flat Johnsons near his heart. He is tender like that.

Belle is not quite sure about the Flat Johnsons.

One of the more exciting activities of the evening: playing in the doll house. Much to Flat Chris' dismay, Flat Connor really enjoyed this. Flat Liz only wishes she had arms to play with.

Grandma decided that the Flat Johnsons were hers. She took them home with her. They are well loved.

Ha ha, jokes on the Flat Johnsons. Suckers.

I believe Garth Brooks said it best: "Life is not tried, it is merely survived, if you're standing outside the fire."

I told them it wouldn't be a good idea to join in the tribal fire dance, but they insisted. Flat Connor was almost sacrificed the the fire gods.

The Flat Johnsons with the girls, having the time of their lives.

Annie and Hilary like the Flat Johnsons, they are hugable.

Time for a brownie break (Flat Liz loves brownies). Notice that Flat Chris is already getting damaged. Battle wounds. Turns out the Flat Johnsons are much like the Wicked Witch of the West- they melt in water.

Greg keeping the Flat Johnsons safe.

Turns out that Flat Chris is allergic to dogs, he is running away as fast as he can. (Andrea got bit in the process of trying to get this picture).

Goodbye Flat Johnsons. You have lived a good life. Lesson learned: Flat Johnsons should be laminated, it increases shelf life.