Self Discovery

Sometimes it is easier to live life on the surface.  You know, when you don't want to really delve inside yourself and discover who you are, where you are, and where you want to be.  Today was one of the days when I was not on the surface.  I was very much in the deep end.

I had a great day at work.  I took care of the same girl yesterday and today.  She was a doll.  And the family was great!  It was so fun.  I was actually really sad to see them go.  Happy that they went home, but sad at the same time.  Bitter sweet.  I enjoy that.  It is good to make connections with people.  I have found that some very valuable connections are made when one is vulnerable.  It is so important to be kind to people.  Sometimes you have no idea how vulnerable they may be feeling.  I am writing of much more than my experiences today.  Just in general, kindness matters.

It is easy to talk all the time and yet say nothing at all.  And it is a waste of time.  The last week or so I have tried to talk to people who have been busy, which is the way life is sometimes.  And I have talked a lot to people in conversations where nothing of significance is said.  I have realized yet again that it is important to have connections with people.  Deep and real connections.  Everyone needs someone.  In the Ensign last month there were lots of articles about single adults.  One talked about how it is important for single people to have someone to talk to every day.  It is so true.  That support means everything.  And yet it means nothing if it is not sincere.  However, I am reminded yet again that I always have the Lord.  I can talk to Him every day and have that connection.

It is better to love openly.  My current roommate is so open about saying "I love you," something I have never been very good at.  I learned how important saying "I love you" is from my roommate freshman year.  She probably doesn't even realize that she taught me this.  Thank you, Shanna.  I am not good about talking about my feelings when it really counts.  I am not good at opening my heart, yet I have such a vulnerable heart.  Tonight I opened my heart and it really hurt, but it is okay.  Sometimes the pain is good.

Friendships are so important to me.  I am not very good at keeping in touch with people.  Part of that has to do with the fact that I don't like getting hurt.  I don't open myself to deep relationships for fear that it may lead to deep pain.  But I realized (yet again) this week that all the pain is part of the joy.  My friends are so important to me.  I am not very good at expressing this.  I am not very good at being there.  I am not very good at supporting people no matter what.  But, when it comes down to it, I am a fierce defender of my friends.  And it hurts me so much when people say hurtful things about my friends.  I will continue to defend my friends, and to feel that those who care about me should care enough to care about my friends.  And vise versa.

I am sorry to wax on like this.  Sometimes we all need a little self-reflection.  And today was one of those days for me.  I am trying to become a better person, and I appreciate that you will stick with me through my bad days.