Not About Birds

Sometime in my teenage years, I think around 12 or 13, my mom gave me a book.  Actually she gave me two books, but I had completely forgotten about the one until I was organizing my books today.  The other book has never left my memory.  The title: Not About Birds.  

I have never read this book.  To be honest when I picked it up many years ago I am pretty sure I threw up in my mouth a little.  As I recall I got home and the books were on my bed.  We don't talk about things like this in my family.  Apparently, however, we do give each other books.  My mom is big into books.  So today I picked it up and started reading.  What are all the wonderful gems that I have been missing my whole life?  What was puberty all about, anyway? Now all of my questions are being answered!  Thank goodness.

To be honest, I can't actually get through an entire paragraph in this book without almost throwing up while simultaneously laughing out loud.  Not many books make me laugh out loud.  Good job Glen C. Griffen, M.D. and Mary Ella Griffin, R.N.  Well done with the book.

I am planning on sharing some gems with all of you. 

For today we will start with the chapter titles:

1. Girls

2. Boys

3. How the Sperm Gets There

4. How a Baby Is Born

5. Masturbation

6. D-E-F-E-N-S-E

7. What If...

8. "It Is Easier to Remember..."

9. Parents

10. Friends

11. Is It Really Love?

Oh boy, this is going to be fun.  Did I mention that the authors are LDS and that the book was published in 1980 by Deseret Book?  Get ready, this blog is going to become very educational, or something.

Housewarming!

I am having a housewarming.

Saturday July 19.

Starts at 6 pm (1800).

All are invited.

If you want to come shoot me a comment or a phone call or email or something.  Just not a text message since I won't get it.

In an effort to not expose myself too much to the blog world, I am not disclosing any more info on the internet than what is above.

Please come.

Lunch with the Roommies

Last week my old roommate Christine came into town.  To celebrate, we got the old gang together.  It was so good to see Elisa, Lori and Christine (and Chris and Stacey).  We went to lunch and just caught up with each other.  In looking back on all my time together I would have to say that the four of us was the best set of roommates I had while at college.  I loved all of my roommates, but the four of us clicked in a way that was so great.  What a good 8 months!

Now 2 of us are married and there are 3 kids amongst the married ones.  My how things change.  I guess I should get on the ball!

Better today than a year ago

There is something about the Johnsons, or to be more accurate the Ashworths.  See when we gain weight our faces expand exponentially.  It is really quite sad.  I know a lot of overweight people who maintain nice faces.  I also know a lot of Ashworths that have huge faces anytime they gain weight.  I could name names, but I will spare you.  I could post pictures, but that just wouldn't be nice.

I have lost a decent amount of weight since I finished college, and probably most of it was this calendar year.  I may not be exactly where I should be, but I am doing better than previously.  I have hit a snag lately because I can't go to the gym.  It is not fun.  It is a long story and involves some very unfortunate responses to sweating in which I actually think my body has developed an allergy to itself.  Luckily, I think I may be coming closer to an answer to the problem, thus a return to frequenting the gym.  Yeah!

However, looking back at pictures from graduation and from now, I look amazingly different.  Someone should have staged an intervention back in 2007.  Things got bad.

I think this was about March of 2007, the arm size is killer, and the face is expanding.

Moving on to graduation, April 2007.  It is no wonder that I never felt like I could never find sunglasses that fit without bumping annoyingly against my cheeks.  I think my face is about to pop.  It is amazing I can even open my eyes.

And this is from saturday night.  Not my all time best, but boy is it better than it was.  I think the straight hair makes me look thinner.  If it wasn't so time consuming, I would do my hair straight more often.  Too bad for being lazy.  At least I actually have a neck now.  And the double chin situation has improved greatly.

Update: just got back from the gym and it was not as bad as it has been.  Hopefully this is going to be a trend and not a fluke.  Lets hope for the best.

Hair chop

I got my hair cut today.  I was planning on growing my hair out and only cutting an inch or less off.  Then I got the haircut thrills.  This happens almost every time I get my hair cut.  Turns out there are a few things in which I have no self control: the snooze button, eating strawberries even though I think I am allergic (more on that later), growing my hair out...

So Betsy (my stylist) convinced me to cut a little more off since it is summer time and my hair is so darn thick.  And let me tell you, it took very little convincing.  She said she would leave it long enough for a pony tail.  I am not sure that is what actually happened.  However, so far I really like the cut.  It is sort of an A-line.  This cut is supposed to look good curly too (since that is my every-day hair).  However, my chubby face and curly curly short hair tends to equate to a very convincing Shirley Temple look.  Thats cool.  I mean people already think I am a teenager, so I might as well make an effort to look young, right.  Meanwhile, I will do the straight thing for approximately 1-2 more days, depending on how it looks without being washed when I wake up tomorrow and Monday.

In other good news, Betsy said that she thinks I am prettier than I used to be.  I am choosing to take it as a complement, and not think about what it means about my previous appearance.  By the way I am not wearing makeup in the following pics.  So much for pretty.

Lets start with the front:

And now we will move to the side:

And finish with the back:

What do you think?  Pictures courtesy of my Mac. I need to actually decorate at some point.

I don't like being pressured by your sales pitch

Today I went to one of those time-share sales pitches.  I hate these sorts of things, but I went as a favor for a friend.  You are welcome.

So it went something like this:  First we met in a big group and got a quick introduction from a guy who really thought he was funny.  And who was really impressed that I travel so much (p.s. I don't travel THAT much).  He kept saying "everyone except her..." and pointing to me, because I was already a traveler.  Good start.

Then we went back to sit and talk with a salesman one-on-one.  This is where the fun really started.  Things were going okay (I am being very generous here), until he started laughing at me.  He kept asking how much I pay for hotels.  I kept saying that I never stay in hotels.  This was unheard of to him, how could I travel so much and not stay in hotels?  Apparently it was not acceptable to him that I stay with friends and family.  And weird to him that I have friends and family in so many places.  Here is part of our conversation:

Him: "You are going into debt for your hotels"

Me: "I don't stay in hotels"

Him: "But paying for hotels that you do not own is like going into debt"

Me: "I don't think you understand the concept of 'debt'"

Him: "Yes I do, you are paying money for something you do not own"

Me: "No, debt is when you spend more than you earn.  It is a very simple concept.  I do not spend more than I earn, therefore I am not in debt (except for my condo, but that is a different category)"

Him: "...."

As we went on I just got more sassy and more fired up.  Eventually he said "Now, you are a smart girl, so..." at which point I cut him off and responded "Yes, I am."  He wasn't expecting that.

Next we had a great conversation where he insisted that since I often do not pay for hotels in the places I go, then I must not be traveling where I want to go, only where I can go.  We argued this topic for several minutes.  Apparently smart travelers are not part of their time-share.  And I am not allowed to enjoy vacations that are inexpensive or in which I visit friends/family.

So then his sales-person friend came over and tried to give me pricing.  He made a big mistake by starting with "can you afford $10 a month?"  I said "yes, I can afford $10 a month, but the real question is whether I want to pay you $10 a month."  He just got up and left the table.  But since he had not quite had enough, he came back and asked again if I could afford $10/month.  I said, "that sounds great and all, but I really hate paying interest.  It makes me mad.  And if I pay you $10/month for the next...forever... then I am paying an awful lot of interest to your company, and that seems like a bad idea to me."  His amazing response "But it is only $10 per month, even if all you pay is interest it is really inexpensive."  Seriously.  Do I really want to just pay interest and never actually pay down the cost of the time-share.  And, to top it off, the actual price was much higher than $10/month.

Is anyone surprised that I did not take the bait?  Is anyone surprised that when the 4rd guy sat down to talk to me about my overall experience that day I told him it was a 6 (scale of 1-10), and that I was being very generous in rating the experience a 6?

At least I got a lot of laughs out of it.  And $40 in Home Depot gift cards.  And a 4 day, 3 night stay in my choice of Las Vegas, Orlando, Reno, Kona (Hawaii) or Los Cabos (Mexico).  Where should I go?

Wednesday

Lets start at the beginning.  I have a hard time swallowing.  This is because my esophagus has decreased motility.  It is not very fun, trust me.  Also, in just the last 2 months or so I break out in hives everytime I sweat.  That is not fun either, I promise.  So after getting home from work on Wednesday morning I took an Allegra (prescribed by my dermatologist to help with the hives).  I have had a difficult time swallowing pills for a very long time, but thought I would be okay, the pill is relatively small and is round.  Well that was about 8am.  The pill lodged in my throat.  I will spare you the details, but lets just say at 2pm the pill was still lodged in my throat and I was still unable to swallow even a drop of liquid.  Things were going really well at this point.  I decided that I probably should not be alone since there were several times when I couldn't breath at all during the previous 6 hours.  So, I headed over to my parents house.  No one was home.  Hmm.  I called my doctor and they said that if I could be there in 3 minutes (2:20) I could come, or I would have to wait until 2:50.  I promised them I would be there in 3 minutes, they told me to drive safe and I headed over.  I got there and everyone could see I was in a fair amount of distress.  (gagging and wretching for 6 hours will do that to you).  They got me back to a room (although they first had to get my weight and height...seriously- priorities people).  The medical assistant person took my blood pressure, heart rate and respiratory rate.  My blood pressure was 135/94 (I think), my heart rate was very near 120.  Her comment was "your blood pressure is normal, except the bottom number is a little high".  What?!?  For those of you not in the health profession, the high end of normal for blood pressures is 120/80.  I was definitely hypertensive.  And, she was not concerned about my heart rate at all.  Normal heart rate is definitely less that 100.  The doctor was concerned when he came in because he immediately took my pulse again.  Then he told me that I would be getting an emergency endoscopy.  Ooh, fun.

After a couple phone calls he told me to go over to the hospital.  I was to go through emergency so they could admit me, then I was to go to endoscopy, they would be waiting for me.  I got to the hospital, my sister-in-law Liz was waiting for me (I had called to ask if she would be so kind as to drive me home from the hospital when the test was over since I would be sedated).  I won't go into the details, but an hour after we arrived at the hospital we finally found the endoscopy lab.  Apparently the staff at the hospital still do not know where things are.

They got me set up immediately, sedated me and got to work.

They couldn't fit the endoscope down my throat so they had to use a bronchoscope (a much smaller scope used to look at the lungs), which barely fit.  Then they had to work really hard to dislodge the pill.  So apparently my throat is about 11mm in diameter, whereas normal throats are around 20mm in diameter.

It has been almost two days and it still hurts to eat (my throat tore when he tried to dilate it).  So, I am still on a liquid/soft diet.  Which mainly consists of mashed potatoes.  Good times.

I am hungry.

cycles of hunger

Life has interesting cycles.  For example, my cooking habits have cycled.  In junior high I was all about cooking and I actually cooked quite a bit.  Some in High School.  Then I got to college.  For the first year I held my own.  Mostly easy to make boxed meals.  But I ate.  Then I moved home for the summer.  I found myself totally reverting to being completely useless and dependent.  It was pretty crazy.  I made my way through the rest of college and actually ate pretty well with homemade food and lots of leftovers.  Then I moved home again and reverted again.  There is just something about mom making you dinner.  Now I have moved out and have yet to fix a real meal.  I have lived here almost a month.  I eat lots of cereal and granola bars.  Occasionally I make an omelet or have chips and salsa.  On really crazy days I have a quesadilla.  And until my yogurt supply dried up, I was eating lots of yogurt.  Now all that is in my fridge is cheese and milk.  It is going really well.  Any ideas of how long this cycle is going to last?

Oh and I go over to my parents several times a week for dinner.  That will keep up until they change the locks.

More pics

Go here to see pics of my place.  Right before I moved in.  This is the lazy way of posting.

six things

1. Yesterday I moved in. I don't have internet access because apparently the 4 neighbors that have wireless do not like to share. I don't think they passed Kindergarten. I remember sharing and cutting being very important parts of the curriculum in Kindergarten.

2. One of my neighbors came by with her dog to say hi. She told me that all the cars get broken into in our neighborhood. That stinks. Maybe they will just take my whole car so that I will have an excuse to get a new one. I almost killed my car yesterday. Apparently cars need oil. Weird.

3. I refuse to turn my heater on because summer is coming, dangit. So, I absolutely froze while sleeping before/after work last night. I might reconsider the heater thing tonight. If I am really cold. And feel like a human popsicle. Or, maybe if I can see my breath.

4. I have 1 fork, 1 spoon and 3 knives. If you come to visit and expect to eat we either have to take turns or not use proper flatware. Oh, and I don't have any plates. But I do have a lid to a casserole dish that I used to eat my burrito yesterday. I am high class.

5. My dad doorbell ditched yesterday. I wasn't home. He left a couch on my porch. An upholstered couch. It stayed there until after I got home from church today and my brother could help me move it inside. I am officially white trash. So much for making friends in my new place.

6. Pictures to come. Will represent the current state of my condo.

On Saturday I became a professional photographer

So I showed up at my friends wedding and after the ceremony we were all standing outside the temple waiting for the bride and groom to come out, the usual.  As I am standing there, I look around repeatedly and notice that no one has a nice camera but me (I am not a professional).  I kept looking around, and no one came.  Then out came Mary and Jake, and no one came.  So, I very quickly became the photographer.  The day went something like this:

Me: "um, how about everyone on Jake's side get in the shot, then smile"

"ooh, look what they did, lets do that"

"yeah, kissing seems like a good theme, try that again."

Essentially we walked around temple square and stole other people's photo ideas.  It was pretty awesome.  

And, sadly, the temple is crooked in most of the shots, you know, leaning tower of pisa style.  Luckily, they got exactly what they paid for.  Maybe even more because somehow my camera manages to take good pictures without my help.

Here are some of my favorites.  The little kid with the flowers definitely just pulled them out of the ground at the reception.  Then a little girl ran after him screaming about how he needed to give them back.  She got the flowers from him and ran around with them for a while.  It was great.

Preview

I am still painting my condo.  I am a slow painter.  And there are a few colors which makes everything more difficult.  But, I decided I would post a couple pictures so you can get an idea of what to expect when you come visit me.  And, you can weigh in on the elphaba-green room.

We'll start with the good, and move on from there.  I really love my blue wall. I think it is stunning.  My mom loves it.  My dad thinks it is ugly.

My mantle is going to match the blue wall.  It still needs a couple coats of paint.  Right now it has the antiqued look.

The chartruese (?) kitchen is one of my favorite parts.  It is just a fun color.

Note that the plant is still alive, it will not be long before it goes the way of all plants I own.

As we make our way down the hall we immediately notice the glow coming from my bedroom.  I was not exaggerating.  This picture is proof that my bedroom emits harmful radiation.

So here it is.  It looks all cute and fun in the pictures.  I still don't know how I feel about the color.

The doorway into my master bath.

Please notice that in this picture the green is different.  It really does change every second.

So there it is.  I still have to paint some more and peel off all the tape.  Which, by the way, when I started peeling the tape off it peeled some of the paint with it.  So, now I get to fix all the edges.  Woo hoo.

Elphaba green

It should come as no surprise to anyone who knows me that I love Wicked.  I have seen it twice (broadway and chicago) and own the soundtrack.  I just love it.  However, I am not take-over-my-life obsessed with it.  So, when we painted my room in my new Condo I was a little overwhelmed when it came out as what I like to describe as Elphaba Green.

Yes, that is the green of my bedroom.  My dad keeps telling me the color is fine (he doesn't want to help paint it again.)  When I painted the first coat I got a migraine.  I am pretty sure that my bedroom glows in the dark.  And probably emits cancerous radiation.  I probably won't be able to sleep at all, because it will be like daylight all the time.  The color actually changes according to the lighting.  Early morning sun makes it bright neon green.  Afternoon sun it is less neon.  And in the evening it actually not too bad, a much darker shade of green.  It is a horse of a different color.  I am trying to decide if I am going to be able to live with the color choice.  I really don't want to spend another $50 on paint, but it is really bright.  There is also the option of texturing with white over the green to tone it down.  I will take a picture next time I am there so that you can get a better idea of the joy that is my bedroom.  The hall glows green if the sun is right.  Boy, is it fun.

canceled

My trip to Israel was canceled. I have mixed emotions about this. Part of me is relieved to have all the money back. The other part of me is just plain sad that I am not going on this amazing trip. Anyone want to go anywhere? I need an adventure. International? US? I am up for anything. Well, almost anything. I really want to go back to Europe. Any takers?

I may be dying

For the second time this week I had a weird medical experience.  I don't really know how to describe what happened in a way that you will fully appreciate what occurred.  Both Monday and again today I have suddenly developed a wide-spread rash.  We're talking, all over my legs and arms and back.  Red, itchy, raised rash.  Today I looked down and my legs were bright red/purple.  Along with the rash comes an intense itch.  Horribly itchy.  It is so bad that I cannot stop itching, literally.  On Monday all I could do was take a benadryl, take an oatmeal bath and then sleep it off.  Today I didn't have that option.  All I could do today was keep on keepin' on.  As in, I was at my Condo painting with my dad.  I told him that I wasn't sure what was happening, but that I might be having an allergic reaction to something.  He told me to stop talking and keep painting.  I said that I might stop breathing if it was an anaphylactic reaction.  He said to stop talking and keep painting.  I told him that I couldn't handle the itch.  He told me to stop talking and keep painting.  He is good like that.  He later said that if I had collapsed he would have just pushed me out of the way and kept painting.  The compassion is amazing.  We Johnsons are known for our compassion and caring.  I can't think of anything that was the same about the two experiences that would have been a trigger.  However, being the medically-minded person that I am, my mind immediately focused on all the horrible things that could be happening.  So, hopefully I am okay after the next spell (if there is a next time).  Otherwise, I will let you know how the hospital stay was.

South Bend and Chicago

I got back last week from my trip to visit my brother, sister (in-law) and nephew.  It was so much fun.  I took about 6.8 million pictures.  So, I will share with you some of my favorites. And, I uploaded them in no particular order, so enjoy the randomness.  I threw in a couple of funny ones to show that it really is straight-up luck that I get any good ones.

Most of these are of my adorable nephew.  There are more posted on The Book of Armaments (sorry if you can't see them because you are not an invited member.  I am elitist like that.

This one, as with all of them, is much better in full size.

He thinks he is funny.  So do I.

The basilica at Notre Dame.  It is gorgeous, and has a giant gold-leafed Mary on top.  Very cool.

I was supposed to get some good "family photos".  I like this one.

One of my faves.  He almost has the "who is this lady who won't stop taking my picture" look.

I don't know why, but this one speaks to me.

Although naturally very cute, this picture proves that I am not always able to capture that cuteness.  It is still good, just with funny eyes.

Check out those eyes.  I wish my eyes were bright like that.

More proof that I am not that good.  Or, maybe I am really good since I caught a face like this.  I fully expect to use this as blackmail at a later date.

Loving the slides.

This was about 30 minutes after they picked me up at the airport.  He still isn't sure what to think of me and my camera.

Good sun exposure.

Chicago was so great.  The weather was surprisingly mild.  And, as much as I love the boy, it was really nice to just have us girls and no stroller.

Since no one is allowed to touch my camera, especially random strangers, we have separate pictures at Wicked.

I let my sister-in-law touch my camera for this one.  She can count herself very lucky.  That is her coat, too.  I chose not to bring mine.  I almost chose to take this one home with me.

So, there it is.

And, by way of really simple review: Wicked in Chicago is excellent, but a slight step down from Wicked in NYC.

my estimated age is quickly decreasing

On the flight home from Chicago I had a great seat, aisle with an empty chair beside me.  The conversation that followed went something like this:

Flight Attendant: "Are you travelling alone?"

Me: "yes"

F.A.: "Would you like to sit in the exit row"

Me: "sure" (you usually get more leg room in the exit row)

F.A.:"Wait, how old are you?"

Me:"25"

F.A.:"Okay, great.  Follow me."

At which point I followed the flight attendant to the exit row.  And this other guy joined us on the exit row, and he took the aisle, so I had the middle seat.  And the seat was excrutiatingly uncomfortable.  So much so that I had to lean forward during the whole 4 hour flight.

While sitting in the exit row, I grabbed the little booklet to see how old you had to be to sit in the exit row.  15.  Not 18, or 21 or anything even remotely close to my age.  The flight attendant lady seriously thought I was quite possibly younger than 15.  Yikes. I was dressed well, minding my own business.  I was not acting like a teenager or a pre-teen.  Yet, even at my best, I look younger than 15.  Awesome.

25ish

The missionaries came over today.  They wanted to ask the bishop (dad) about people in the ward to visit.  So, I sat in for the discussion.  At the end we had a little do-you-know... fun.  As in, oh, you lived in Riverside, so did we, do you know ___?  It went well, as it always does.  Then one of the missionaries asked me how old I am.  I said 25 (my birthday was last Monday, p.s.).  He was very surprised, and with the tact of a 19 year old boy, said "really, I thought you were in the last year or two of high school, like 16-18".  Hmm.  No.  Off by almost a decade.  Thanks though.  I am not sure if he was trying to test out his chances with me after the mission, or what.  I think I managed a "yeah, people usually think I am younger than I actually am".  So, if anyone knows any nice 19-year-olds, send them my way.  Apparently that is the age group I am attracting.

speed racer

I went here and did the typing test.  My results:

You type 385 characters per minute

You have 69 correct words

You have 2 wrong words

I type 69 words per minute

I know that really isn't that great, but it is better than I expected.  What can I say, I just don't type that quickly, especially under pressure.  Typing from my head is much quicker than copying words on the computer screen.

What about you?

Giving in

A: Attached or single: Single, so very very single 

B: Best Friend: I have lots of "BFF"s.  But not really one Best Friend.

C: Cake or Pie: I am not really into dessert.  I do like rainbow chip cake with rainbow chip frosting, though.

D: Day of Choice: I like most days.  I guess mid May is pretty nice.

E: Essential Item: Underwear

F: Favorite Color: It used to be pink, but I have gotten past that.  I like green.  And a lot of other colors.

G: Gummi Bears or Worms: Sour Gummy Worms.  Those are the best.

H: Hometown: Murray, UT.  I used to claim Riverside, CA, but stopped claiming it when I was about 15.  I lived in Provo, UT, but have never claimed that as my home or hometown.

I: Indulgence(s): Hmm, traveling.  It is an expensive indulgence, but an indulgence nonetheless.

J: January or July: May or September.

K: Kids: None to speak of, but I feel like I have hundreds of kids because of work.

L: Life is incomplete without: friends

M: Marriage Date: May 23, 2010

N: Number of Siblings: 4 brothers, 2 sisters-in-law

O: Oranges or Apples: Oranges, except they are so darn messy and sticky.  You can eat an apple without getting covered with sticky juice, but it is very difficult to do so with an orange.

P: Phobias or Fears: I hate hate hate hate spiders.  And I am afraid of dogs.  Especially big dogs.  Weirdly, I am very okay with jumping out of airplanes, but little 8-legged creatures make me flee the room.

Q: Quote(s): I can't think of a good quote right now, so I will use the quote of the day on my iGoogle page: I know a lot about cars.  I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming. Mitch Hedberg.

R: Reason To Smile: Breathing.

S: Season: Spring.  And I really like oregano, in case this question was about that.

T: Tag Six: Nope.  Won't do it.  I have a general rule that I don't do things like this, and now I am, but I will not be compelled to "tag" anyone else.  If you want to do it, feel free.

U: Unknown Fact about Me: My life is generally an open book.

V: Vegetarian or Oppressor of Animals: I wish I was a vegetarian, it would be a lot more healthy.  Instead, I eat lots of meat.  Last night I had a dream that I needed to get out of bed to let the cat out (I don't have a cat), and instead of getting out of bed to let the cat out I just kept hitting snooze on my alarm. So, I guess I am an oppressor of animals.

W: Worst Habit: Computer time.

X: X-Rays or Ultrasounds: X-rays never hurt, whereas ultrasounds can be rather uncomfortable.  I guess for that reason I am going to have to go with X-rays.

Y: Your Favorite Food: This is apparently a problem I have.  I don't know what my favorite food is.  I couldn't even think of something I really wanted for my birthday dinner.  I am cool like that.

Z: Zodiac: Pisces.  My horoscope (from astrology.com): "Teamwork is the word of the day and wherever you find yourself, there should be give and take between you and the people you work with.  You are an incredibly valuable member, even if your efforts are low-key"  I think that just said I am a slacker.  Hmm.