Because you love

Imagine this:

You are in a room full of intimidating and important people, and yourself (very average). All are gathered for an in-depth discussion about a topic that is difficult for you to talk about. You are the only one showing emotion, well the only one showing great emotion. You cry through practically the entire hour and a half meeting. And there are no tissues. Oh, and you make a comment that could have been very offensive to several of the people in the room, because you call it like you see it. And several people thank you for making such a comment. Somehow, despite looking like a blabbering fool, the majority of the people in the meeting thank you when all is over, and tell you what a great person you are and how brave you were to be there and to care the way you do. And they all give you hugs. Suddenly no one is nearly as intimidating and titles are stripped away. And when all is said and done, things are going to change in a big way because of you.
It is hard to imagine. And hard to take in. And hard to process in so many ways. And the scar in your heart will never quite heal, but you will learn to let it improve you. And it will change who you are forever.

That was my morning.

Forever attempting to get me married

Last summer my dad tried to set me up with his accountant at work who was 20-something and apparently a great catch because he was done with school and had a good paying job. My dad gave this kid my number (I said it was fine, and it was the only way to get my dad to stop talking about it so much). He never called. Shocker. Then he moved to Texas. A place I have vowed never to live. Don't even get me started.

A month or two ago, my dad decided that his friend's son and I are perfect for each other. This guy is late-20s/early 30s, has a good paying job, real estate in Park City and parents that we already know and like. Obviously he and I are perfect for each other. He keeps telling me that we need to go out, but it has not gone anywhere. Shocker.

On Sunday my dad came home from church to tell me that this lady in our ward (30s, I think) wants to set me up with her brother. He is obviously a great catch because he is in dental school. Across the country. I am not sure why she asked my dad if this would be okay, but has still not talked to me about it. I guess we are going out sometime over Christmas break. With my luck we will totally hit it off and then he will go back to the mid-west where he is in school and that will be the end of that. Shocker. After my dad told me about all of this guy's "merits" I told my dad that dentists are the profession that is the most likely to cheat on their spouse. It is something about having all those cute little hygienists in the office all the time that gets em.

Yesterday I went to Provo and people kept asking me if I am dating someone. I am not. Shocker. I guess moving to Salt Lake makes people think you all of a sudden start dating all the time. Nope. It is pretty similar to Provo. Which I am okay with. I may sound bitter about dating, but I still accept offers for blind dates and set-ups. Even with a rather hilarious history of terrible blind dates, I still go on them. I am still up for trying. I just have to have a little fun with it in the mean time.

Thank you for your business, and...

So I have this adorable skirt that I bought while in Chicago, that I still have not been able to wear because of this pesky problem of it being very difficult to press. We are talking perma-wrinkled. It was driving me crazy. So, I finally took my skirt to the dry cleaners today to have them work their magic.
There is a nice man who works at our dry cleaners. He is always there. Usually after you give him your info and your clothes (hopefully not the ones you are currently wearing) he says thank you, tells you when to come get your clothes and you are on your way. Not so today. He handed me my ticket then gave me the weather forcast "it is going to be cold weather like this for the next 2 weeks. It is going to be really cold at night." I was taken off guard, but managed and "okay" in response. Then he provided me a current event, headline only "Warren Jeffs got sentenced to 10 years in prison." Wow. I think I managed to say "thank you" and drove away completely bewildered. I have never gotten so much bang for my buck at the dry cleaners.
Getting your skirt pressed: $2.65
Getting the weather and news report at the same time, and being left totally speechless: Priceless

One of the reasons I love my job

This last week at work I was working day shifts, which means I actually get to interact with my patients and their families. This week one of my patients was toddler age. This patient was not particularly fond of anyone wearing scrubs- which included me. The patient would yell "no, no, no" as soon as I walked in the room, and "owie, owie, owie" whenever I touched said patient. We had a really good relationship going on. Very functional. However, the patient did snuggle with me for a while after a particularly traumatizing event, and the entire family celebrated with me after some particularly good news. Hugs and crying and everything. And then, at the end of the day, the patient gave me a sticker. There was some motherly coaxing involved, but the patient did not say "no" the whole time I was in there, and touched me in order to put the sticker on my hand. Man, that is the reason I go to work everyday.
The family of one of my other patients gave me a ticket to High School Musical on Ice, which made me so so happy. Unfortunately, I was unable to go. But, it totally made my day, seeing as how I am obsessed with HSM (well, obsessed is not really the right word. But, I do enjoy the silliness of it), and how incredibly nice it was of this family to give me the ticket.
So, I would have to say I went home from work that day with a smile on my face. And, the smile has stayed all weekend. Ahh, I love my job.

I just don't get it

So people always ask me why I am not married, and I just don't have answers for them. I mean, I am a fine specimen of womanhood.
For example, tonight I went grocery shopping like this:

Lets just start from the top: yesterday's hair (and I didn't do my hair yesterday); I think I have dandruff (which was the reason for going to the store, it actually makes me really sad); glasses, to cover up the fact that I am not wearing any makeup; Red jacket, blue shade top; gross hands, a product of working in the hospital- I actually look as if I have leprosy, very attractive; black capri sweat pants with the words "I Suppose" on the butt; unshaven legs; chaco's (and yes, it is freezing cold outside, and no the sandels do not work well with the winter theme including the jacket and sweats); ugly toe post surgical revision, but there is a strong possibility that it is infected. Yuck.

I don't get it. How could someone not want a piece of this? The mind reels that I am not married.

However, there was a nice man at costco (middle aged) that waved and smiled at me. I think he probably thought I was homeless or something. He was driving a Mercedes, and my car barely makes it to the gas station.

Ah, life is good.

One Year

One year ago my cousin Steven and his wife Catheryn passed away at Strawberry Reservoir. I remember getting the news. I had been in class all day and when I finally was going home for the day I checked my messages and my parents had left one saying that Steven and Catherine were in a boat accident and were missing. My heart sank. I started to cry on the way home. I remember going to my grandma's house that night, and then going up to the lake nearly everyday searching for them. I remember the Sunday after this happened going to church and singing "Master the Tempest is Raging" as the opening song. I cried through the bulk of the song, as we sang:

Master, the tempest is raging!
The billows are tossing high!
The sky is oershadowed with blackness
No shelter or help is nigh
Carest Thou not that we perish?
How canst Thou lie asleep
When each moment so madly is threatening
A grave in the angry deep?

The winds and the waves obey Thy will
Peace, be still!

I remember in that same meeting that the stake president was going to ask everyone to go up to Strawberry to go help with the search that day, had a ground search still been needed. So many people reached out in love when they heard about the accident. There are some truly good people in this world.

I remember the sorrow felt as a family for the loss of our cousins that we loved, and the closeness that it caused among our extended family. The constant stories of the miracles of Kimball and a friend, Mike getting out of the lake alive. Steven and Catheryn are two of my heroes.

I remember playing in grandma and grandpa's back yard as a child with Steven. I recall a few occasions of making Grasshopper Stew for people we weren't particularly fond of at the time. I remember playing night games, when it was still safe for kids to do that. As cousins, we all had a lot of fun playing together as kids.

That week of my life will be one I don't forget. They were truly lovely people.

Lorin, Steven's brother, made a beautiful tribute video, feel free to watch it:

TRAX and I are in a fight

More accurately, transportation in general and I are in a fight.
So a few days ago I rode TRAX to work. I love TRAX. Normally we get along fabulously. All went wrong on Saturday morning when I was riding home. At the station there were two trains, both shorter than normal. Trying to be smart about it, I chose the longer of the trains to board thinking that they would use the train with more space for transport. Oh how I was wrong. I got on the train, the driver was just standing there waiting around for departure time, a usual occurance. I sit down and only moments later the other train leaves. Rude. I said to the driver "If I would have known the other train was leaving, I would have gotten on that one." He indicated that that was the other portion of our train and we would be meeting up and connecting togther at the next station. Whew. So I sat, patiently waiting. We finally leave the station and meet the other train at the next station. We proceeded to bump into the car in front of us repeatedly while trying to connect all the cars. Apparently if you slam into the train in front of you hard enough the two trains will magically connect. 10ish minutes later, still not connected, the front train leaves. Rude. At this point I have already missed one connecting train. So, we eventually go, way way behind schedule. And, because we had to wait for the other train at each stop, it took forever to get anywhere. Meanwhile, I miss another connecting train (this one I see driving past as we are a mere block from the station. Rude. So, I sat in the freezing cold waiting for the next train for 15 minutes. Personally, I think it would have made a lot more sense to put all of us passengers on one of the trains, and do the normal route, meanwhile having the other train drive past the stations without stopping. Then, connect at the end of the route where there is actually time to do something like that. I should run TRAX. That is if we weren't in a fight.
So, I took a day off from riding the train. We needed our space. Yesterday evening I was all ready to ride again. I head to work at my normal time. The station is a whopping 1.1 miles from my house. Turns out it takes like 10 minutes to go a couple blocks now that the new hospital is open. Rude. I miss my train. Rude. I hate the Death Star aka IMC aka IMed aka Intermountain Medical Center. Turns out from now on if I want to go West I have to go East and if I want to go North I have to go South. Stupid traffic.
Raving completed.

the stub

Lortab makes me have weird dreams/nightmares. And it makes my stomach queesy. And it makes me tired. On the otherhand, it takes the pain away for a couple hours. I am not sure if it is worth it. Luckily, I only took Lortab once today, so we are moving up. The motrin seems to be covering most of the pain. Yeah.
I was really doing quite well today until I stubbed my toe really really hard into the metal strip on the edge of the stair into the kitchen. Yeah, that hurt. Overall, however, my toe is doing better. I still can't walk too much, but I am not in constant pain anymore. I hope I am better by Wednesday night, because I have to work all night. That is the goal.

Amputation may be the answer

I got that part of my toenail removed, and now it hurts more than the ingrown toenail did. Dangit. Supposedly they did a matrixectomy. Any sort of ectomy makes me nervous. Ripping something off my bone makes me uncomfortable. And it makes me hurt.
I went to the doctor again today (after trying to call a few people to get their opinions). He said my toe looks great and the procedure seems to have been done very well. He also gave me this little tidbit "I usually tell people they will need to be off their foot for a week to 10 days." That would have been good to know. Shoot. And he is so very very right. I am taking Lortab and anytime I stand up or walk around at all, I get this very bad throbbing/gnawing pain in my toe and down the side of my foot. Then I have to ice my toe for a while so that it goes numb so I don't notice the pain. The sad thing is, my toe feels fine if I am laying down. So then I get ambitious and stand up, to say throw something away. 30 to 45 minutes later, after laying back down, I am feeling fine again. So, it turns out that I may become disabled at the ripe young age of 24. Sad, but that is the way it goes. I am thinking a toe amputation may be best. Think of all the shoes I could finally wear if we cut my big fat big toe off. But then, for some reason I have this perception that the big toe is needed for balance during walking. I could be wrong. And, I tend to think that anything that is a normal part of the body should be left alone. No unnecessary amputations for me.

Toes and such

A few days ago (2-4) I cut my toenail too short. Oops. See, my toenail split, then I ripped off the part that split and it tore really low on the side. Then I tried to cut it to make it smooth. And, that is how I got where I am now. My toe has continued to get more sore each day, more red each day, and more swollen each day. It has gotten to the point that it hurts like crazy when touched at all. Hence, walking is undesirable. That is a problem. I tried digging it out on my own, but it hurt so bad that I couldn't do it. So, tonight I went to the instacare. At 10:50 pm I finally got in to see a doctor. He numbed my toe a ton, and then removed the offensive toenail. You know what they say, if it offends you cut it out. "And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee" (Matt 5:30). The removal went well. I watched the whole thing. I am sick and enjoy things like that. Now I have a huge bandage on my toe, such that I cannot wear shoes. I am supposed to keep the large bandage on my toe for a few days, making working impossible as shoes are necessary. Right now the numbing is wearing off, and it is kindof hurting. I hope that it doesn't keep hurting after the numbing is gone. Meanwhile, I guess I get a day off of work. Lucky me.
Moral: keep your toenails long and straight across the top. The alternative is no good. None.

2nd post of the day- crazy talk

Last night I had a dream (it was so real, it didn't feel like a dream) that I was in South Bend and was needing to move there NOW. I didn't have much with me, I was just visiting. But, for some reason I needed to find a job immediately, and get a car right now. It was a lot of pressure. I was trying to orchestrate a spur of the moment move across the country. And start a new job. And find somewhere to live.
Weird.

I want a kitten

Last night I heard a kitten crying outside. I could tell it was little little kitten. I have experienced the birth and growth of two litters of kittens, so I can tell, somewhat, how old a kitten is by it's cry. This was definitely a new-born cry. So, I went outside and found an itty bitty kitty behind the big bush outside the kitchen window. All by itself. Crying. I immediately wanted to adopt it, but knew that my dad would never go for it. So, my mom and I decided to bring it inside and take care of it until we could take it to the humane society tomorrow. I brought it in, and tried to feed it some milk from a syringe, but it was having a hard time eating. I went outside and saw a cat watching me. Hoping that was the mama cat, I put the baby in a pile of towels in a box on the back porch. Then I watched. In just a couple minutes the cat came and rescued her baby. Yeah. The baby has a home. I still wish it was my kitten. I miss having kittens. It was cute and white and grey. And little. And fluffy.

Dwight and Angela

Yesterday I was riding the train home from work and I saw this couple. He was of bigger build with spiky hair, looked to be in his mid 40s. And he is balding (yet still has the spiky awkward hair). She is very small, thin and blond. Neither smile very much. I have seen them several times.

Every time I see them I think of Dwight and Angela and a smile comes to my face.

I Heart Pioneer Woman

This lady is awesome. I love her love story. I would be okay with my own "Marlboro Man". Any really great men out there?

My dad: Matchmaker

my dad is trying to set me up with someone again. Last time he tried this he gave the guy (the accountant at his office) my number. He never called. I know, shocking. So, he has done this again. Instead, this time it is my parents really good friend's son. Yeah, that way everyone can be involved if/when we go out. We might as well triple with his parents and my parents. That would be fun. And not at all awkward. Lucky me.

South Bend

I got home from my week with my brother and sister-in-law and nephew. I had so so much fun. I got there last thursday, and left yesterday, wednesday.
Liz and Connor picked me up on Thursday in Chicago. Then we attempted the city for a couple hours. Lesson learned: never drive in Chicago. They are crazy drivers. We went shopping for a bit and walked around some. Oh, wait on the way from the airport to the city I was playing with Connor and took his pacifier out of his mouth. He got MAD. We are talking seriously angry. He screamed for 20 or 30 minutes, and would not console. He is a determined kid. I don't think we got off to the best start :)
On Friday we went to campus. The weather forcast said 10% chance of rain, so we decided to risk it. Of course it rained the whole walk there. We got soaked, but we had fun. We walked all through Notre Dame. It is a beautiful campus. Very very religious. On top of the gold dome, which I think is on top of the administration building, is a big gold Virgin Mary. BYU doesn't have anything like that. We do have a naked indian statue. Everyone at ND has a ridiculous amount of school pride. Apparently everyone wears ND attire everyday, not just on game days. And, ND is almost a world in itself. The whole city of South Bend is centered around ND games. It is weird.
On Saturday we went to the church and watched conference x2. Luckily we were able to go into the RS room and let Connor play while we watched. It was a nice relaxing day on Saturday.
Sunday was similar to Saturday except we listed to conference over the internet instead of going to the church. We all took a 2 hour nap in between sessions, which was pretty much the best. Sunday night we played Uno Attack after Connor went to bed. By this point Connor likes me pretty well, but is still a little nervous about me holding him.
Monday was great, we went shopping at DSW, Steve & Barry's, Old Navy and Meijer (groceries). Steve & Barry's is awesome. Everything is really inexpensive. It is amazing. Liz got Connor a costume at Old Navy that is super cute on him.
On Tuesday Liz, Connor and I braved the train to go to Chicago. Connor enjoyed the first couple hours of the train, but it lost its allure after awhile. We had an awesome day in the city. We went to the Aquarium, Planetarium, Zoo and shopping. Everything was free except the shopping. It was great fun. The Aquarium was our favorite, the fish were so cool. The Zoo was great as well, we saw all sorts of animals.
We took the subway between attractions. We didn't get to take "the L" but that is okay, I got my fill of public transit. As we left H&M (yeah!) we had to run back to the train. Literally. We got to the train with about 5 minutes to spare (whew!). Had we missed the train we would have been in the city for a couple more hours. Eek.
Wednesday was another day of travel, Liz and Connor took me to the airport in Indianapolis, a 3+ hour drive. Then, they had to turn around and drive back home. Connor wasn't entirely thrilled about the experience. However, he did enjoy watching people at the airport. I flew from Indianapolis to Phoenix. That is a long flight! I spent a couple hours in the Phoenix airport then flew to SLC. A much more manageable flight. I have decided I love Jet Blue. Southwest does not have any TV screens. I have a hard time sleeping on planes, and can't really get interested in reading on planes. So, I sit and stare at the seat in front of me. Jet Blue has live TV. It is nice. In Phoenix I actually re-met this guy I had met a couple months ago. It was crazy. He and his sister were flying home, so I sat by them on the flight home. We had a good time.

All in all, the trip was great. It was so fun to talk to Liz so much. Connor actually liked me quite a bit by the end of the trip. Although, I seriously disturbed his sleep patterns (sorry!). I got to see Chris in the evenings which was great. He studies a TON. Good job Chris. And, I got to experience the joy of even more forms of public transportation. Yes!

I love spending time with Liz, Chris and Connor. I need to go out there more often.

Like a fool

Last night at work I had a funny experience. I was standing in the hallway holding a fussy baby. I look down the hall and see a man with a package motioning me down the hall. I look the opposite direction to see if he is motioning to someone else. My initial impression is that he is a maintenance or housekeeping staff. So, I begin to walk down the hall toward him. Realizing that this whole situation is slightly fishy, I turn to the nurse next to me and say "if I don't come back, come find me". As I come nearer to the man he begins to shh me. He is of bigger build, not fat, just thick. As in, he could take me without hardly trying. Hmm. I consider stopping and turning back at this point. This is quickly turning into a potentially dangerous situation. My better judgment does not get the best of me (as it usually does) and I continue down the hall. As I get even closer I notice the box in his hand and watch as he begins to close the doors so that we will not be overheard. This makes me very nervous. I am now scared for the safety of myself and the child I am holding. I stop, he notices my trepidation and leaves the door open. He whispers to me about delivering this package to one of the nurses on our unit. He says she is working tonight and that the box is from her "secret admirer" although he claims she will know who that is. Like a fool, I accept the package for this nurse I do not know and whose name is not familiar in the slightest. I turn, package in hand, and walk back to where I started from, like a deer in the headlights. As I return to my nursing station I look back down the hall to see that he is gone. My first action: open the box. By the way, I would be a terrible member of a bomb squad. Inside the box: shoes. Nice ones. Dansko shoes. So, I walk the box to the main desk and ask if there is a nurse working by said name. Apparently she is new. So, I call her and have her come get the box. She is not nervous about it at all. Her boyfriend, the "secret admirer" bought her new shoes as a gift for passing nursing boards. My first thought: no one bought me new shoes for passing boards. Hmm. So, it all turned out to be fine and safe. However, if that ever happens again, I am calling security. How stupid can you get!

my thoughts, my peace

There are some things that the human mind cannot process. The events of this last week put me in a position to try to reconcile such things in my mind. An impossible task. I did the only things I knew to do. I talked about it (at work, where it is safe), cried about it, and of course I turned to the Lord. The combination of the three has helped me cope with the un-cope-able. The only thing that has brought peace is the comfort of the Lord. I no longer cry myself to sleep. I no longer cry at the very thought of all that transpired. It still makes me sad and sick, but the pain is easing. I am so so glad and greatful for the wonderful coworkers I have. So many supportive people have helped me get through this. It is not over, but I am getting through it. And, good things are coming out of all that transpired, so I will focus on that.

All of this has again reminded me of my limitations. It has been terribly busy at work, and emotionally I was overwhelmed. I hate to ask for favors, but knew that I needed a little break. So I called and asked for an easier assignment for work last night. I have had some very very difficult assignments over the past week, on top of everything else. Luckily, they were able to give me a better assignment. I was happy at work again. It was such a wonderful thing. I think that sometimes everyone forgets I am new. I was talking to the charge nurse last night and she said that I always get difficult assignments because everyone knows that they can trust me and that I am a great nurse. I am not sure if that is common consensus, or just her feelings, but it helped to hear that. Little things like that are helping restore my confidence in my job skills, and are helping me not give up on my career (something I seriously considered after Thursday).

My capstone preceptor, who I talked about previously, said that she can't believe the things I have had to experience since I have been a nurse, that I have had a harder go than is "fair" for someone as new as I am. I must say, I have to agree with that. I am not complaining, most of the experiences have helped me learn very quickly and have made me a better nurse (I hope). I just think that sometimes because I have been through so much and handled so much that people forget that I am new and sometimes it can be a little much. It is getting better all the time. I became a nurse because I wanted to be continually challenged, so I guess you could say I asked for this.

So, I am going to buck up and be happy again. After last night and today being so good, that should be a much easier thing to achieve.

In unrelated news, as I was leaving work this morning this guy stopped and asked my friend and I for directions to the State Examiner. I have no idea where that is, but I did my best. The amusing part to me was when he asked where we were going. I am pretty sure he wanted to give us a ride. 1. I would have not gotten in the car with him (even though he seemed normal and was rather attractive. 2. He was definitely not going my way, so it wouldn't have made sense. It just made me smile. Usually people that ask me to get in their car with them are scary looking. He was not.

Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Today was no good. None at all. For the second time this week I broke down in the middle of work. We are talking serious breakdown, with crying and the whole bit. Yeah, I am awesome. Days like today and Thursday make me want to change my career. Thank goodness for my capstone preceptor. She was at work today and talked to me for a while. Or at least listened to me for a while. She has faith in me. That will hold me up for a while. On the way home from work I listened to an EFY CD. "There's a masterpiece hidden underneath all these imperfections. Chisel down to it, let your heart do it, don't be distracted." That is what I feel like. I have a whole bunch of crap on top of a pretty decent soul. I just hope that the Lord will have patience with me as I am bounced through the current of life and perfected in the Refiner's fire. I have no where to go but up from here. One day at a time. One hour at a time. One minute.

Peace will come

I will tell about my skydiving another day. Today I have only one thing on my mind. Consuming my thoughts, bringing many emotions. It is not something I can write about. I have been humbled once more. The Plan of Salvation is such a precious thing. My understanding is so minute. I have realized even more how "tender", if you will, my heart is. I open myself to things very easily. This is usually a good thing, but also accounts for great pain at times. I have no words. I am not even making sense. I do know that my mind is full and sleep will not come. There is a lot to ponder. I am so so greatful for the Atonement. Peace will come.

I am sorry to purge, I am not asking for pity or sympathy, I just need to express my thoughts right now.